"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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the last year has been undoubtedly the hardest I've ever walked through. it wasn't so much all that happened in it, but things that happened in the previous year that I had to pick myself up from. a lot of things happened that I could not see goodness in. I couldn't see that a good Father could allow it. I got really angry and I questioned His goodness. I would spend nights driving miles screaming and crying lost in the pain and darkness. I wasn't sure I could ever recover. I just wanted it to all go away. at times it felt like insanity. it was so overwhelming and unbearable. so many times I wanted to make it all stop. sitting in my car gasping for air begging Him for relief, begging Him to let it all be a bad nightmare. that I'd wake up and be okay. my illness had stripped the life out of my body and mind. and the person I had depended on to be an arm to lean on, to protect and to carry me when I could no longer stand, emotionally abused me and I was left wondering why I even existed. that I was a lost cause, that my illness stole my value. that I didn't deserve good things, I didn't deserve to be loved or even liked. that everything that hurt was my fault. and I could never be good enough. absolutely broken. indescribably tore apart. lower than I'd ever been in my life. and He met me. He met me right there where the rest of the world walked away, He stepped closer. I pushed Him away, and He pressed closer. I screamed disgust in His face, and He whispered love into my ears. I beat Him, I nailed Him to the cross with my words and He whipped away my tears. I wanted nothing to do with a "cruel" God, and He gave His life to give me the chance to have a taste of His love. this is what healed me. this is what brought me from my state of brokenness to sanity; into life and healing. because when I wanted Him least, when I felt like I deserved Him the least, when He should have felt the furthest away, He wanted me most, and drew closest. His love and devotion to my heart has never been dependent on my love for Him, on how good I am to Him, on what I can give Him, but all He lives to give me. His love is devotion. its not conditional but committed and selflessly. He saw my brokenness and loved me more. in my questions He was patient and cried twice the tears I did. for He felt my pain plus His own for to see me breaking is what breaks His heart. this my friends, is love. this is the love I should have depended on to begin with. these are the arms I should have only trusted my whole heart in being faithful to carry me gently. to love me when I needed it most. and now I am grateful. I wouldn't change a second of agony. I wouldn't wish to have cried one less tear. I am grateful for that darkness. for that level of brokenness. it completely changed my life. and that's what is good, is He does take broken ashes and makes it something incredible; He makes it worth it. entirely worth it. He turns bad into beautiful. for all He allowed I am twice the women I was before. I understand His love and the pain He went through for me on such deeper levels than I would have ever understood. if you are broken, if you are on the verge of insanity; feeling the weight of the utterly unbearable pain. if you feel as though the world would be a better place had you never existed and you wish to escape. whatever it might be. please, give His love a chance. its not a quick relief. its a slow process but a process well worth it. feel the pain, feel the brokenness. cry, scream. but don't give up on Him. don't give up on what His love will do to recover and heal your brokenness and pain. you will make it out the other side, I promise. you will feel whole again. I promise! this hasn't stolen everything. you are worthy, so very incredibly worthy. you are insanely loved. you are not abandoned. you deserve the Kingdom of heaven because you are HIS child, and He longs to give you that and so much more. you are not the lies people have poured into. you are worthy not worthless. p.s. you don't have to face this pain alone. while I may not have walked through your pain I have walked through deep pain and I know what its like. please reach out.
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23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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