"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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this is my birthday month, I turn 21. as I sit on the porch listening to the birds singing I gaze into the blue sky. I replay in my mind the years of my life as those I'm skimming over the pages of a book, I trace the lines of events with my finger. periodically stopping to look a little deeper. everything poses a lesson. the painful, the good. they all taught me things. we might not always understand why some things have to happen, but if we allow it, it can always teach us something good, help us grow and blossom into a more beautiful person. yes, some things damage our hearts, but we can rearrange that damage into something beautiful. instead of letting the damage fester and become more ugly. being sick has taught me not to take feeling good, having energy, not feeling bad after a meal...basically health for granted. you don't realize how huge it is until you lose it. I feel like I never had a full teenage life because I never truly got to experience what it means to feel youthful healthiness, the energy and a good working brain. and thats something thats been really hard to accept because everyone my age, heck even people a lot older, don't get. they don't know what its like even with their best intentions. but it taught me to be more understanding and sensitive to other peoples struggles. its created a soft spot in my heart no one who's never struggled so much physically will ever understand. being sick for almost 6 years taught me endurance. it taught me to keep fighting no matter how pointless it feels. it raised a warrior inside of me, built strength through battles that felt impossible to get through. health problems resulting in having an eating disorder taught me that I am strengthless without Christ. that without His transforming power I can't overcome anything. that a healthy body has a huge affect on our brains and the things we struggle with. for it wasn't caused by self image issues or lack of self control on my part, but literally because my body thought it was (and it was haha) starving to death so it sent out all these weird chemicals that told my brain it had to eat everything in sight all the time or it was going to die. it taught me not to take having a good relationship with food for granted. almost dying multiple times taught me that I'm but a spec in sight of the universe, and time on this earth is but a moment. we are all burning candles and none of us know when our light might get blown out. it taught me not to take every day that dawns for granted. every breath I breath is a gift I hold no control over. I learned to cherish something so simple. suicidal depression first showed itself when I was 14 years old. that is a journey of its own. but it taught me the treasure of joy. the blessing of carefree moments. I love to see people smile, and watch their eyes sparkle. it is truly special. it taught me to cherish moments when I feel like dancing. it taught me that rain is beautiful too, and that you have to climb mountains if you want to see the beautiful view.... it taught me to feel so much deeper. to care so much deeper. it put a burden and ache in my heart for every other person hurting. I walk through town and I look at peoples faces and I can see pain in their heart and I wish I could just hug it all away. it taught me invaluable lessons that I wouldn't trade for anything. I learned of the strength thats been built inside of me through all I've been through and the power I hold through Jesus. it's grew me up. matured me faster. it gave me a better understanding of the agony that Jesus went through for me. losing friendships that deeply mattered to me taught me to treasure and cherish people while they're around. to love their quirks and differences, for thats what makes us all unique. it taught me who I am, just me without other people. that its okay if someone decides to keep walking through life and leave me behind. that I have my own journey and purpose. harsh words said unkindly to me taught me who I don't want to be. it brought up a desire to speak more and more lovingly, gently, and sweeter words everyday. it taught me what affects "innocent" comments can have and why the Bible says to be slow to speak, and bridle your tongue. not feeling accepted by others made me want to make everyone I could feel loved and accepted. that each of us are special and deserved to be valued for the person we are right now. being put down taught me the importance of encouraging, pointing out peoples little victories. It taught me not to look at someones flaws but focus on who they are right now in all their goodness, and all the potential they have down in their heart to become; to speak kind words believing in who they are becoming. to cheer people on and support them. running through so many dark nights taught me to lean hard on Jesus. what it means to truly believe in His goodness when I don't see any sign of goodness for even months. it taught me what it means to exist and I look at the world differently. how much this world isn't my home and I'm just passing through. I could go on and on about occurrences and what they have taught me but the point is this: everything can teach us something good no matter how bad it is. when we choose to let it make us more beautiful, to place it in His hands for Him to do the work, we take control of it and it no longer has control over us. don't walk through struggles and pain and come out less or the same person. come out better. believe that on the other side of this you will be far more beautiful because of it. when you place it all in hands of God, that is the only out come because God uses everything for our good. you are growing. you are blossoming. you will come out stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
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23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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