"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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If you have followed along my health journey this is for you.
I can't believe it has almost been a year since I had surgery to "fix" my Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. The surgery was suppose to be the magic fix. But it hasn't been. I have not recovered as we had thought and hoped I would. Yes, food is going through. Yes, I have gained 10 pounds back after surgery when I hit my smallest weight of 97 pounds. But my body has still greatly struggled and it has continued to be a never ending fight. we haven't understood why I'm not just well already. my body should be happy now that foods going through. but it's not satisfied with that. I am in school right now along with baking and pastry chef, to be a nutritionist. nutrition is obviously a very personal interest of mine, and it has helped me understand my body so much more through all the struggles I have faced. It has also showed me why I am not completely well and why the surgery was not a magic fix. and it also makes me wish that this illness was deeper researched by health professionals. first off, before the doctors found out that I had SMAS (Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome), they thought it was my gallbladder causing all my problems because it wasn't functioning as it should. so they removed it. a perfectly healthy gallbladder. later, finding out I had SMAS it made perfect sense why my gallbladder along with other organs weren't functioning as they should because SMAS for better words stunted it all from working properly for a number of reasons. your gallbladder is what holds your bile so that when you eat a meal it is ready to dump the bile in to aid in digesting your food. bile breaks down fats so that they can be absorbed. fats feed your brain. a brain starved is not a happy one. and a brain starved can not communicate to your organs as it should. and can not work well in general. which made me suffer in deeper depression, not being able to focus or process, not able to handle situations as a normal person, feeling confused, easily over stimulated and the list goes on. it felt impossible to live a normal life. even going to church felt impossible to do because all the people and commotion and stimulation would tax on me so much it would take days to recover. when you eat the nutrients is absorbed through your intestinal wall. To remove the absorbed molecules and provide room for more to be absorbed a rush of circulating blood continuously washes rapidly underside of this surface, carrying the absorbed nutrients away to your liver and other parts of your body. so that basically means my surgery did little for me except making a way for food to pass through. SMAS doesn't just affect your small intestines but your arteries. It restricts proper blood flow to your organs especially your GI tract. SMAS restricts blood flow and restricting blood flow eliminates nutrition absorption. once you have SMAS there's no going back because in order to fix it, you have to have proper absorption and if you have SMAS you can't ever have proper absorption. yes, I am getting some nutrition. but my body won't ever be able to absorb nutrients as much and well as a healthy person ever again until Jesus comes and I am healed. we live in a sinful world. a place where sickness inhabits many of us. and that's okay. it makes me look forward to heaven all the more. many might say this is lack of faith on my part that Jesus can heal me. I believe full well that He can give me full health restoration but I also know that sickness is part of living here and I am content in knowing that someday He will heal me so its okay to fight now. I have accepted that perfect health is not something I can attain but I also know it won't stop me from learning and do whatever I can to help my body in this fight. I have accepted that every day is a battle, one most won't understand and thats okay. people might call me weak or that its all in my head. and thats okay too. none of this is going to stop me from living a full life. it won't stop me from pushing my brain to process and learn even when it feels impossible. like my momma, I was a born a fighter. and I guess thats why God entrusted me with this hard journey. I am content in the road He has allowed me to walk down. and I am content right where He has me. I trust He is holding me more than ever, and He always supplies enough strength to get through. God isn't just a God of the happy days but of the hard. He isn't just near when all is well but nearest when all is not. And I believe God is closer to me for walking through this journey had I not and for that, this is a blessing. trails are only how we view them. yes, they can feel so unbearable at times, it can be exhausting. at times they go on and on and we would do anything to make it all go away. but we can choose to let them grow us, we can choose to see God's glory through it. we can find a deeper side of Gods heart right in the middle of our darkest night. so if you are going through a rough time right now. if you are facing health struggles. take heart dear one, this isn't the end. and your happiness is not dictated on how healthy you are. fall into His arms and find the glory of His presence and love right in the midst of the storm. I can tell you, its far sweeter than you can imagine. He wants to give you something unexchangeable. something that will make you rise, with arms lifted to the sky, with a song of praise in your heart for what He has done. oh how good is our Father! and how greatly and well He loves us! He is holding you now. let Him put a sweet song in your heart. let Him carry this load.
2 Comments
Melanie
7/15/2019 08:02:28 am
Tiana...what a powerful message of peace amidst difficult realizations. Thank you for writing and sharing to be an encouragement to others who are facing difficult realities in their journey as well. Your courage and peace in your Creators sovereignty and love is truly inspiring.
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Lori
7/15/2019 09:46:34 am
SOOO beautiful!!! You are precious!!! Thank you for sharing your walk with Jesus!!! Love you!!!
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23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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