"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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"You're a good, good Father. It's who You are."
I'm naturally a live in the moment kind of person. From the time I was a baby I was a happy smiley little girl. And even though I've never voiced these thoughts to literally anyone, these kinds of thoughts, "but tomorrow that could happen," "but tomorrow things could change/be totally different", usually kept me holding on and giving life another day to prove to me that health can be restored, things can get easier and so on. Recently I got to the worst place I've ever been in my whole life. Over the years I've faced chronic depression and suicidal thoughts but I usually never understood why I felt so sad and done with life. Between the thoughts I mentioned above, the thought of a failed suicide attempt and the awareness that suicide is a sin as it is self murder, kept me from ever going through with a suicide attempt. But this place I found myself was far beyond anything I ever imagined was possible to experience. The depression was twice as deep and dark as I have ever faced. Had I not had fought through almost six years of depression I'm pretty sure I wouldn't had made it through. The difference this time was I knew why. This time, those positive thoughts couldn't be there. Failed attempt? It was at least worth the try. A sin? Didn't really care. Good, good Father? You mean cruel, cruel Father. Every time I breathed, every time I was forced to smile at someone, every task I did was a reminder that I had to exist. And quite frankly I hated it. Cause depression, when it's deep, like really, really deep you don't just dislike living, you hate it. Every thing inside your mind feels dark and broken. Your heart and soul feel beyond shattered and crumbled. The darkness feels darker than the blackest hole. You don't just feel like you're drowning, you feel like you've already drowned and you're somehow still drowning. To think about tomorrow feels worse than to think about death itself. You don't want tomorrow to come, you just want it all to stop right now. You lay on the floor hugging your pillow tightly, tears stream down your face and your mouth is held open as though you're screaming but no sound comes out because you're drowning remember? The pain is so deep you can feel it breaking your heart so much so you can feel it aching in your chest. And after a while, your mouth relaxes, the tears stop and you just stay perfectly still, numbed by the pain and emotionless from the darkness. Not proud to say it but a prayer I've prayed more than twice goes a little like the following... "You say You're a good Father but mostly what I've seen is everything opposite of good. You expect me to believe You're good when this is what I get? I trusted You, and You bring this? This feels more like cruelty. I don't know how to believe You're a good Father when this how You direct things. Good, good Father? That's hard to believe, I can't believe it... Good? You mean cruel. Gives us the desires of our hearts? You mean takes away." I'm sure some of you can relate to my heart cry in that prayer...and the questioning of His goodness. Two of my favorite songs right now are, "Better Because of it", and "Fighter" by Danny Gokey. In general, he is one of my very favorite artists but these two songs really click with my heart. I know its really long to share all this but these words are so powerful I want you to hear them. "Devastated, an understatement It's not part of the plan You're asking why He didn't stop it If the whole world's in His hands Suffocating in the waiting And your faith is wearing down But there's hope even though You can't understand the pain of your road He's in the future, He knows something you don't One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this All done with it Better because of it Someone's gonna need your story to get them through the night Someone's gonna see His glory, by the way, He won your fight There's a breaking in the waiting And the storm keeps bearing down Everything that you think will break you Are the things that He'll use to make you So hold on longer, so hold on Everything that you think will kill you Are the things that He'll use to build you." "So many broken nights, felt like it was the end All of the losing fights, knocking me down again But it was in the falling I found my faith It was in my weakness I found Your strength So I'm not afraid Put my heart through the fire, I won't be burned It's only making me stronger, even if it hurts Voices inside my head, faces of all my fears Telling me hope is dead, but still, I'm standing here As long as this blood flows through my veins You said I won't break under this pain So I'm not afraid Put my heart through the fire, I won't be burned It's only making me stronger, even if it hurts So I'll do whatever it takes I know that I will be changed When I walk through the fire I'm coming out a fighter, a fighter." Our purpose on this earth is to be changed, and transformed. To develop characters and minds in the likeness of His. It is a time in which He rids us of ourselves and transforms our hearts to be fit for heaven. We pray, God transform me, change me, "I am the clay, You are the potter..." When He starts digging out, throwing away, rearranging, bending and breaking us to rebuild and mold us, it's painful. It's not pleasant or comfortable. And sometimes its a very long and seemingly slow process. When we ask God to guide our lives and for His plans, and things start happening in a way we didn't expect we start asking God why, when He's saying back, "but this is what you asked for". God does fulfill the desires of our hearts, but often times the journey to the destination, the thing which our heart desires, isn't exactly how we imagined it. Sometimes we have to wait for those desires. Sometimes He gives us the desires of our hearts and then put its on hold, seeming as though He's taken it away but says, "before I can fully let you have this, I have some other things I want to do that are going to make that desire ten times sweeter then it would have been had I not done these things, when I fully give it to you". Sometimes we feel left in the dark in the middle of a dessert. Sometimes for a long time. Over and over He asks us to trust Him so we do, and we wait. But we get tired of waiting and that's where satan gets in. He starts feeding our minds with distrust and unbelief and we lose our faith because the wait is too long He must not be working. But He is working and He is whispering, "Just trust Me on this one. trust Me, I've got this." It's not always easy to have faith, believe me I struggle to always believe. But the promises are there, and sometimes that's all we can hold onto and claim. If we don't, we are claiming satan's thoughts as our own and we are letting him win. He didn't die for you or me because He is a cruel God. He didn't die to bring you unhappiness. He didn't die just to make you miserable and to hurt your heart. He died because you were His beloved one. He died so that you could be happy, to set you free, to heal your heart from hurt. To protect and keep you safe. To hold you in the dark and whisper, "its okay" to your heart. He died so you would always have a safe place, somewhere to call Home. He died to tell you how highly He thinks of you, how important you are to Him. To show you how much more He loves you and would rather have you than all of heaven. He gave up everything just to give you the desires of your heart and to see you smile. Good, good Father? YES! As one of the song says, "He's in the future, He knows something you don't. One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this." One day you'll be on the other side of this and you'll see why He held out on whatever you're going through or praying for. You'll see why He had to allow this pain. You'll see why the waiting was so important. And you'll thank Him for it. "And they that know Thy name will put their trust in Thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek Thee." Psalms 9:10
3 Comments
D.M.
5/19/2019 01:14:06 pm
Keep sharing your testimonies. More people need to hear real stuff that points to Jesus.
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Tiana
5/20/2019 02:36:01 pm
Your comments of encouragement mean a lot to me!
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Jeff
5/28/2019 12:34:07 pm
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. It’s hard to find other young people who are so open and sincere in their faith. It’s truly inspiring.
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23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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