"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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Note: this post is belated. I wrote this Sabbath, August the 24th. I haven't posted it because I hesitated to. Sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable. Most people these days don't like the real. They don't want to hear about real life struggles and pain. But I know each of us faces battles, pain and hurt and I really want to always be real even in the tough things. I pray my words touch you in some way, and encourage your heart.
Today I was sitting in church and my heart was heavy. I felt like every broken place, every scar and cut, every imperfection could be seen at first glance by the whole world. The worship team began to sing the beautiful song “Reckless Love”, and tears began to fill my eyes. Here I was simple and sincere. Heart wide open, I’d been broken, used and bruised. I’d given every part of my heart away, its been torn apart and made to feel valueless. I am no one magnificent. I'm not better than anyone else, infact I felt quite worse than most. But the words touched my soul as I quietly, in whispering tones, sang the words, “when I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me. You have been so, so good to me. When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me. You have been so, so good to me.” That song was the perfect reminder of what I needed. It was Him saying, “hey don't believe those lies again. We know who you are. Believe what I say for I know you best. I love you best. And you are THIS valuable to ME!” He has completely blown me away with the support and care, the little details and thoughtful ways He has cared for me. sometimes what we think is going to ruin us, is exactly what will build us. if we let Jesus turn pain into growth, we will come out twice as beautiful. those scars don't have to be ugly. they tell a story, of what you've been through and what you've allowed Him to do through it in you. those broken pieces make you humble and understanding towards others. they make you aware that you aren't perfect and you need your Savior desperately. pain can make you soft, gentle and kind. gold is tried in the fire, to be purified. and thats exactly what this is. He is creating a heart of gold in you. Has someone made you feel like you're a train wreck, that you could never be loved because you struggle too much, that you’re too much of a mess? Has someone ever made you feel like you aren’t good, that there’s only bad in you? Has someone ever said things of you that weren’t true and you started to believe them because you believed that they loved you so they must be right? If you’ve ever felt like you try so hard and its never enough. If you’ve been swimming with all your might, doing the best you know how, trying to stay a float only to feel like you’re a failure. If you’ve been lied to about yourself and you’ve believed it. Wounded your own soul by embracing someone else's ignorance of who you really are. If you feel unlovable, even unlikeable. The left overs, the left behind. If you feel no worth. No value. If you feel no goodness in you. Empty of beauty. Hear these words. He left all of heaven for you. The best, the kingliest, the kindest, the award-winning Lover, the best you could ever get….He loves you! The truest, most understanding, the best listening and compassionate heart, He has set His life to befriend you. The most faithful, caring Father has called You His own child; the heir of His kingdom. Oh dear one who feels your sinfulness and nothingness. If you feel unloveable, unwanted or disliked, Jesus set His heart upon you! Your heart is His constant pursuit. As the song says there’s no mountain He won’t climb up, there’s no barrier He won’t break down, no giant He won’t knock down just to get to your heart. Nothing can stop Him not even death. He would do anything for you. He lives to listen to your every word. He is at your side at every moment. He will hold you when no one else is there to enfold you; He wraps you in His incomparable love. If He does not see fit to light up your darkness, He will light a small candle and sit with you in the shadows until the sun comes up again. He longs to heal every wound, to fill every hole and to gently hold and protect your heart. He longs to cover you with His love, to supply your every need. He has only your best interest in mind and never allows "needless pain and strife." everything He uses for your good. even this. you my friend, are heavens treasure. you have a heart of gold for this is what He has given you. even His own. hold that tightly in your heart.
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it's been a little while since I've written; I needed to take a little time away for some self reflection and because God's been doing so much in my life and heart lately I almost can't keep up to sit down and write.
I have never gone through so much change and growth in my whole life. Jesus has completely blown me away. I look back from a few months ago and I'm stunned at where Gods brought me in life and as a person. without hesitation I can say, that I am the happiest now then I have ever been in my whole life that I can recall. and its all because of what He has done. He has shown me what it truly means to "ask and receive", and what "lean on Me" really means. There are moments I wake up and I can immediately feel Jesus calling me to spend time with Him and its an unexplainable, irresistible pull. And when I say yes, joyously, gosh! the sweetness He pours on me is unexchangeable. as many of you know I moved to Michigan a couple months ago. it was the hardest thing I've ever done because I really did not want to leave home. I loved my job there, my family, and everything so unknown about venturing out so far away horrified me. but as the time drew near for me to move everything worked out so perfectly and I knew without a doubt that God was leading me here. I was scared, some people questioned me over and over whether I was sure I wanted to do this, some even said I was a little crazy haha, but that did not stop me because I knew what God was telling me to do. during the first two or so months in Michigan I thought I couldn't make it. I wanted to run back home. God didn't seem very near yet I never questioned if I had misunderstood His leading. I pressed into Him harder and harder sure that His promises were true. and that someday He'd come through. months passed and little by little His love became so much more real. I saw changes happening in my heart. where only sadness and depression once dwelt, I felt little sparks of joy. where chaos and confusion ran my mind, peace and a quiet rest pushed its way in. I couldn't remember the last time I felt what He was doing. I finished my spring classes and dove into four summer classes. between work and the hard classes I was extremely busy and a bit stressed. fall classes were open and I needed to register for the fall, winter and spring baking courses to finish culinary school. I went in to admissions and they switched it over so that I could register. but when I logged into register I found out that the classes were already full with a capacity of only 7 students. I went to my car, called my mom and cried my eyes out. what now? I'd have to wait a whole year to try to get in again. what would I do in the meantime? was this not what God wanted me to do? I felt lost and confused. wore out for trying so hard to feel like it was all in vain... long story short, I started searching for different options and brainstorming what I should and could do. I prayed and told God that I knew He had a plan to please show me. after applying for a few random jobs, within the next few hours I got a call from Andrews University wanting to interview me for a chef job. a little blown away that it all happened so quick I went in and they hired me on the spot. now where would I live? long story short, one of my best friends was about to get her own apartment in another state but when I told her about where God was now leading me she said she'd get an apartment with me making an apartment more affordable. it took a bit to find a place but we did, even walking distance from Andrews. so what looked like the worst thing that could happen, what looked like everything falling apart was actually everything falling into perfect place. If you are in a season right now where you don't understand why God's lead you there, keep chasing His guidance. keep trusting His plan. He has promised that He has great plans for you, believe that. hold tight to it. If you are in a season where you feel like a horrible person, a wreck, and you don't see God changing you. keep surrendering, keep leaning hard on Him, keep chasing His heart. He will change you. He will give you a new heart like you so long for. He will give you joy and peace. He has promised and His promises are true. if you feel like you will never be whole, happy or healed. this season will not last. He will wash you with His love and you will see the transformation He is doing on your heart even now. He is faithful, He is working. and even now He is holding you tightly in His hands. |
23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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