"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
the last year has been undoubtedly the hardest I've ever walked through. it wasn't so much all that happened in it, but things that happened in the previous year that I had to pick myself up from. a lot of things happened that I could not see goodness in. I couldn't see that a good Father could allow it. I got really angry and I questioned His goodness. I would spend nights driving miles screaming and crying lost in the pain and darkness. I wasn't sure I could ever recover. I just wanted it to all go away. at times it felt like insanity. it was so overwhelming and unbearable. so many times I wanted to make it all stop. sitting in my car gasping for air begging Him for relief, begging Him to let it all be a bad nightmare. that I'd wake up and be okay.
my illness had stripped the life out of my body and mind. and the person I had depended on to be an arm to lean on, to protect and to carry me when I could no longer stand, emotionally abused me and I was left wondering why I even existed. that I was a lost cause, that my illness stole my value. that I didn't deserve good things, I didn't deserve to be loved or even liked. that everything that hurt was my fault. and I could never be good enough.
absolutely broken. indescribably tore apart. lower than I'd ever been in my life. and He met me. He met me right there where the rest of the world walked away, He stepped closer. I pushed Him away, and He pressed closer. I screamed disgust in His face, and He whispered love into my ears. I beat Him, I nailed Him to the cross with my words and He whipped away my tears. I wanted nothing to do with a "cruel" God, and He gave His life to give me the chance to have a taste of His love. this is what healed me. this is what brought me from my state of brokenness to sanity; into life and healing. because when I wanted Him least, when I felt like I deserved Him the least, when He should have felt the furthest away, He wanted me most, and drew closest. His love and devotion to my heart has never been dependent on my love for Him, on how good I am to Him, on what I can give Him, but all He lives to give me. His love is devotion. its not conditional but committed and selflessly. He saw my brokenness and loved me more. in my questions He was patient and cried twice the tears I did. for He felt my pain plus His own for to see me breaking is what breaks His heart. this my friends, is love. this is the love I should have depended on to begin with. these are the arms I should have only trusted my whole heart in being faithful to carry me gently. to love me when I needed it most.
and now I am grateful. I wouldn't change a second of agony. I wouldn't wish to have cried one less tear. I am grateful for that darkness. for that level of brokenness. it completely changed my life. and that's what is good, is He does take broken ashes and makes it something incredible; He makes it worth it. entirely worth it. He turns bad into beautiful. for all He allowed I am twice the women I was before. I understand His love and the pain He went through for me on such deeper levels than I would have ever understood.
if you are broken, if you are on the verge of insanity; feeling the weight of the utterly unbearable pain. if you feel as though the world would be a better place had you never existed and you wish to escape. whatever it might be. please, give His love a chance. its not a quick relief. its a slow process but a process well worth it. feel the pain, feel the brokenness. cry, scream. but don't give up on Him. don't give up on what His love will do to recover and heal your brokenness and pain.
you will make it out the other side, I promise.
you will feel whole again. I promise!
this hasn't stolen everything.
you are worthy, so very incredibly worthy. you are insanely loved. you are not abandoned. you deserve the Kingdom of heaven because you are HIS child, and He longs to give you that and so much more.
you are not the lies people have poured into.
you are worthy not worthless.
p.s. you don't have to face this pain alone. while I may not have walked through your pain I have walked through deep pain and I know what its like. please reach out.
Note: this post is belated. I wrote this Sabbath, August the 24th. I haven't posted it because I hesitated to. Sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable. Most people these days don't like the real. They don't want to hear about real life struggles and pain. But I know each of us faces battles, pain and hurt and I really want to always be real even in the tough things. I pray my words touch you in some way, and encourage your heart.
Today I was sitting in church and my heart was heavy. I felt like every broken place, every scar and cut, every imperfection could be seen at first glance by the whole world. The worship team began to sing the beautiful song “Reckless Love”, and tears began to fill my eyes. Here I was simple and sincere. Heart wide open, I’d been broken, used and bruised. I’d given every part of my heart away, its been torn apart and made to feel valueless. I am no one magnificent. I'm not better than anyone else, infact I felt quite worse than most. But the words touched my soul as I quietly, in whispering tones, sang the words, “when I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me. You have been so, so good to me. When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me. You have been so, so good to me.” That song was the perfect reminder of what I needed. It was Him saying, “hey don't believe those lies again. We know who you are. Believe what I say for I know you best. I love you best. And you are THIS valuable to ME!” He has completely blown me away with the support and care, the little details and thoughtful ways He has cared for me.
sometimes what we think is going to ruin us, is exactly what will build us. if we let Jesus turn pain into growth, we will come out twice as beautiful. those scars don't have to be ugly. they tell a story, of what you've been through and what you've allowed Him to do through it in you. those broken pieces make you humble and understanding towards others. they make you aware that you aren't perfect and you need your Savior desperately. pain can make you soft, gentle and kind. gold is tried in the fire, to be purified. and thats exactly what this is. He is creating a heart of gold in you.
Has someone made you feel like you're a train wreck, that you could never be loved because you struggle too much, that you’re too much of a mess? Has someone ever made you feel like you aren’t good, that there’s only bad in you? Has someone ever said things of you that weren’t true and you started to believe them because you believed that they loved you so they must be right?
If you’ve ever felt like you try so hard and its never enough. If you’ve been swimming with all your might, doing the best you know how, trying to stay a float only to feel like you’re a failure. If you’ve been lied to about yourself and you’ve believed it. Wounded your own soul by embracing someone else's ignorance of who you really are. If you feel unlovable, even unlikeable. The left overs, the left behind. If you feel no worth. No value. If you feel no goodness in you. Empty of beauty. Hear these words.
He left all of heaven for you. The best, the kingliest, the kindest, the award-winning Lover, the best you could ever get….He loves you! The truest, most understanding, the best listening and compassionate heart, He has set His life to befriend you. The most faithful, caring Father has called You His own child; the heir of His kingdom.
Oh dear one who feels your sinfulness and nothingness. If you feel unloveable, unwanted or disliked, Jesus set His heart upon you! Your heart is His constant pursuit. As the song says there’s no mountain He won’t climb up, there’s no barrier He won’t break down, no giant He won’t knock down just to get to your heart. Nothing can stop Him not even death. He would do anything for you. He lives to listen to your every word. He is at your side at every moment. He will hold you when no one else is there to enfold you; He wraps you in His incomparable love. If He does not see fit to light up your darkness, He will light a small candle and sit with you in the shadows until the sun comes up again. He longs to heal every wound, to fill every hole and to gently hold and protect your heart. He longs to cover you with His love, to supply your every need. He has only your best interest in mind and never allows "needless pain and strife." everything He uses for your good. even this.
you my friend, are heavens treasure. you have a heart of gold for this is what He has given you. even His own. hold that tightly in your heart.
it's been a little while since I've written; I needed to take a little time away for some self reflection and because God's been doing so much in my life and heart lately I almost can't keep up to sit down and write.
I have never gone through so much change and growth in my whole life. Jesus has completely blown me away. I look back from a few months ago and I'm stunned at where Gods brought me in life and as a person. without hesitation I can say, that I am the happiest now then I have ever been in my whole life that I can recall. and its all because of what He has done.
He has shown me what it truly means to "ask and receive", and what "lean on Me" really means. There are moments I wake up and I can immediately feel Jesus calling me to spend time with Him and its an unexplainable, irresistible pull. And when I say yes, joyously, gosh! the sweetness He pours on me is unexchangeable.
as many of you know I moved to Michigan a couple months ago. it was the hardest thing I've ever done because I really did not want to leave home. I loved my job there, my family, and everything so unknown about venturing out so far away horrified me. but as the time drew near for me to move everything worked out so perfectly and I knew without a doubt that God was leading me here. I was scared, some people questioned me over and over whether I was sure I wanted to do this, some even said I was a little crazy haha, but that did not stop me because I knew what God was telling me to do.
during the first two or so months in Michigan I thought I couldn't make it. I wanted to run back home. God didn't seem very near yet I never questioned if I had misunderstood His leading. I pressed into Him harder and harder sure that His promises were true. and that someday He'd come through.
months passed and little by little His love became so much more real. I saw changes happening in my heart. where only sadness and depression once dwelt, I felt little sparks of joy. where chaos and confusion ran my mind, peace and a quiet rest pushed its way in. I couldn't remember the last time I felt what He was doing.
I finished my spring classes and dove into four summer classes. between work and the hard classes I was extremely busy and a bit stressed. fall classes were open and I needed to register for the fall, winter and spring baking courses to finish culinary school. I went in to admissions and they switched it over so that I could register. but when I logged into register I found out that the classes were already full with a capacity of only 7 students. I went to my car, called my mom and cried my eyes out.
what now? I'd have to wait a whole year to try to get in again. what would I do in the meantime? was this not what God wanted me to do? I felt lost and confused. wore out for trying so hard to feel like it was all in vain...
long story short, I started searching for different options and brainstorming what I should and could do. I prayed and told God that I knew He had a plan to please show me.
after applying for a few random jobs, within the next few hours I got a call from Andrews University wanting to interview me for a chef job. a little blown away that it all happened so quick I went in and they hired me on the spot.
now where would I live? long story short, one of my best friends was about to get her own apartment in another state but when I told her about where God was now leading me she said she'd get an apartment with me making an apartment more affordable. it took a bit to find a place but we did, even walking distance from Andrews.
so what looked like the worst thing that could happen, what looked like everything falling apart was actually everything falling into perfect place.
If you are in a season right now where you don't understand why God's lead you there, keep chasing His guidance. keep trusting His plan. He has promised that He has great plans for you, believe that. hold tight to it.
If you are in a season where you feel like a horrible person, a wreck, and you don't see God changing you. keep surrendering, keep leaning hard on Him, keep chasing His heart. He will change you. He will give you a new heart like you so long for. He will give you joy and peace. He has promised and His promises are true.
if you feel like you will never be whole, happy or healed. this season will not last. He will wash you with His love and you will see the transformation He is doing on your heart even now.
He is faithful, He is working. and even now He is holding you tightly in His hands.
If you have followed along my health journey this is for you.
I can't believe it has almost been a year since I had surgery to "fix" my Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. The surgery was suppose to be the magic fix. But it hasn't been. I have not recovered as we had thought and hoped I would. Yes, food is going through. Yes, I have gained 10 pounds back after surgery when I hit my smallest weight of 97 pounds. But my body has still greatly struggled and it has continued to be a never ending fight.
we haven't understood why I'm not just well already. my body should be happy now that foods going through. but it's not satisfied with that.
I am in school right now along with baking and pastry chef, to be a nutritionist. nutrition is obviously a very personal interest of mine, and it has helped me understand my body so much more through all the struggles I have faced. It has also showed me why I am not completely well and why the surgery was not a magic fix. and it also makes me wish that this illness was deeper researched by health professionals.
first off, before the doctors found out that I had SMAS (Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome), they thought it was my gallbladder causing all my problems because it wasn't functioning as it should. so they removed it. a perfectly healthy gallbladder. later, finding out I had SMAS it made perfect sense why my gallbladder along with other organs weren't functioning as they should because SMAS for better words stunted it all from working properly for a number of reasons.
your gallbladder is what holds your bile so that when you eat a meal it is ready to dump the bile in to aid in digesting your food. bile breaks down fats so that they can be absorbed. fats feed your brain. a brain starved is not a happy one. and a brain starved can not communicate to your organs as it should. and can not work well in general. which made me suffer in deeper depression, not being able to focus or process, not able to handle situations as a normal person, feeling confused, easily over stimulated and the list goes on. it felt impossible to live a normal life. even going to church felt impossible to do because all the people and commotion and stimulation would tax on me so much it would take days to recover.
when you eat the nutrients is absorbed through your intestinal wall. To remove the absorbed molecules and provide room for more to be absorbed a rush of circulating blood continuously washes rapidly underside of this surface, carrying the absorbed nutrients away to your liver and other parts of your body. so that basically means my surgery did little for me except making a way for food to pass through. SMAS doesn't just affect your small intestines but your arteries. It restricts proper blood flow to your organs especially your GI tract. SMAS restricts blood flow and restricting blood flow eliminates nutrition absorption. once you have SMAS there's no going back because in order to fix it, you have to have proper absorption and if you have SMAS you can't ever have proper absorption.
yes, I am getting some nutrition. but my body won't ever be able to absorb nutrients as much and well as a healthy person ever again until Jesus comes and I am healed.
we live in a sinful world. a place where sickness inhabits many of us. and that's okay. it makes me look forward to heaven all the more.
many might say this is lack of faith on my part that Jesus can heal me. I believe full well that He can give me full health restoration but I also know that sickness is part of living here and I am content in knowing that someday He will heal me so its okay to fight now. I have accepted that perfect health is not something I can attain but I also know it won't stop me from learning and do whatever I can to help my body in this fight. I have accepted that every day is a battle, one most won't understand and thats okay. people might call me weak or that its all in my head. and thats okay too.
none of this is going to stop me from living a full life. it won't stop me from pushing my brain to process and learn even when it feels impossible. like my momma, I was a born a fighter. and I guess thats why God entrusted me with this hard journey.
I am content in the road He has allowed me to walk down. and I am content right where He has me. I trust He is holding me more than ever, and He always supplies enough strength to get through.
God isn't just a God of the happy days but of the hard. He isn't just near when all is well but nearest when all is not. And I believe God is closer to me for walking through this journey had I not and for that, this is a blessing.
trails are only how we view them. yes, they can feel so unbearable at times, it can be exhausting. at times they go on and on and we would do anything to make it all go away. but we can choose to let them grow us, we can choose to see God's glory through it. we can find a deeper side of Gods heart right in the middle of our darkest night.
so if you are going through a rough time right now. if you are facing health struggles. take heart dear one, this isn't the end. and your happiness is not dictated on how healthy you are. fall into His arms and find the glory of His presence and love right in the midst of the storm. I can tell you, its far sweeter than you can imagine.
He wants to give you something unexchangeable. something that will make you rise, with arms lifted to the sky, with a song of praise in your heart for what He has done. oh how good is our Father! and how greatly and well He loves us! He is holding you now. let Him put a sweet song in your heart. let Him carry this load.
it's quite late but my heart is full and I can't contain it. oh what He has done! I must write these words to you. please hear me out. please hear my words, and know they are true.
I walk along, feeling the hot sunshine hit me and my heart feels as though it will dance out of my chest. I smile to myself and look up at the blue sky knowing He loves me. I can feel it. I can almost touch it, it's so real. I put my headphones on and turn on one of my favorite songs. the melody ringing in my ears, I can feel Him drawing me even closer. my heart can't help but worship for I know this is what He has done.
gosh, I feel like my souls been awakened. something I've never experienced and I wish everyone else could too!
we say we want to run this race. but when we reach a hill we get tired, we want to sit back and rest. or try to find an easier way to reach the prize. we lose the determination to win through all the hills and valleys the race covers.
living is about the here and now. not yesterday and tomorrow. it's about being aware of His presence with you. about realizing that every breath is a miracle. every heartbeat is a gift. its about being unashamed. listening to a song and feeling it in your soul and dancing however you dance like...."no ones watching". it's about living in the joy you have right now and not worrying about if it's still going to be there tomorrow. taking every moment as it is.
living is realizing the power you have to change the world. you heard me! you can change the world. you know how? because everything is a domino affect. you have an affect on one person, and they have an affect on someone else and it just keeps going. maybe it's hard to grasp this concept. take this away, how you treat someone or even interact with someone for just a few moments can do far more than you realize. make every little moment you come in contact with people to be something that will stand out to them. be human sunshine. you know how you feel when you stand facing the sun and you just close your eyes and feel it? it's amazing isn't it? try to be that for people. make it you're life to spread every smile you can, every kind, encouraging and supportive word you get a chance to. forget about who's watching, about how you feel or what they did or said to you while you were serving them their food or whatever it might be. just live to give its so worth it.
living is feeling that overwhelming rush of His love flood your heart. it's standing in His presence and feeling His greatness. its realizing how small you are, but how big you are to God. and how much God wants to walk hand in hand with you. it's dancing in the light of His love. it's knowing it's storming outside but you're safe and warm cozy under His wings. it's living carefree as a child, giving Him all your worries 'cause, after all, you're not in control of anything. and He is a far better pilot than we could ever be. so why not smile and laugh? dance and sing. and worship and praise Him with our whole heart?
oh come on, come on and dance and laugh with me. let's run faster on these uphills. and in the valleys lets look for all the flowers along the way. come chase His heart, His life with me. come on, let your soul and heart be free. dive into His love. you'll come out new. it will wash right through you and you'll come out revived. you'll feel the freedom. the release of the weight. let those burdens, whatever is weighing you down fall off your shoulders and tumble down the mountain. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to carry these burdens. don't let His death be in vain.
friends, we focus too much on the valleys and hills. when we're in. a valley we wish to be on a mountain top forgetting the climb. every mountain has a top, an ending. so if you feel like you're climbing right now and you're not sure you're going to make it because it feels like you'll never reach the end: the top. maybe you're climb is rugged, and steep. and years long. you climb, lose your grip and fall back. you feel like your climbing the same spot over and over. there's sharp edges that cut deep and you're not sure if it will ever stop bleeding. they don't heal properly and they get infected, and the wound gets worse. maybe you have to cross oceans and like me, you're not a good swimmer and you start to sink. maybe you hit walls that seem impossible to climb over. oh but we are not ones without aid, without our Saviors promises of help along the race. He gives strength to endure, to get through and over every obstacle. He is the balm in gilead. He isn't just the source of healing, He is the healing. every hill has a peak. and an ending.
through the cross, the great sacrifice and blood of Jesus, you don't have to carry all this weight. you can run this race light hearted. as it is said in Isaiah 40 verse 31, "but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
you can live as though you're soaring as an eagle. you no longer have to be weary! you no longer have to feel faint.
He has renewed your strength! He has mounted you up on wings as eagles.
this is my birthday month, I turn 21. as I sit on the porch listening to the birds singing I gaze into the blue sky. I replay in my mind the years of my life as those I'm skimming over the pages of a book, I trace the lines of events with my finger. periodically stopping to look a little deeper.
everything poses a lesson. the painful, the good. they all taught me things. we might not always understand why some things have to happen, but if we allow it, it can always teach us something good, help us grow and blossom into a more beautiful person. yes, some things damage our hearts, but we can rearrange that damage into something beautiful. instead of letting the damage fester and become more ugly.
being sick has taught me not to take feeling good, having energy, not feeling bad after a meal...basically health for granted. you don't realize how huge it is until you lose it. I feel like I never had a full teenage life because I never truly got to experience what it means to feel youthful healthiness, the energy and a good working brain. and thats something thats been really hard to accept because everyone my age, heck even people a lot older, don't get. they don't know what its like even with their best intentions. but it taught me to be more understanding and sensitive to other peoples struggles. its created a soft spot in my heart no one who's never struggled so much physically will ever understand. being sick for almost 6 years taught me endurance. it taught me to keep fighting no matter how pointless it feels. it raised a warrior inside of me, built strength through battles that felt impossible to get through.
health problems resulting in having an eating disorder taught me that I am strengthless without Christ. that without His transforming power I can't overcome anything. that a healthy body has a huge affect on our brains and the things we struggle with. for it wasn't caused by self image issues or lack of self control on my part, but literally because my body thought it was (and it was haha) starving to death so it sent out all these weird chemicals that told my brain it had to eat everything in sight all the time or it was going to die. it taught me not to take having a good relationship with food for granted.
almost dying multiple times taught me that I'm but a spec in sight of the universe, and time on this earth is but a moment. we are all burning candles and none of us know when our light might get blown out. it taught me not to take every day that dawns for granted. every breath I breath is a gift I hold no control over. I learned to cherish something so simple.
suicidal depression first showed itself when I was 14 years old. that is a journey of its own. but it taught me the treasure of joy. the blessing of carefree moments. I love to see people smile, and watch their eyes sparkle. it is truly special. it taught me to cherish moments when I feel like dancing. it taught me that rain is beautiful too, and that you have to climb mountains if you want to see the beautiful view.... it taught me to feel so much deeper. to care so much deeper. it put a burden and ache in my heart for every other person hurting. I walk through town and I look at peoples faces and I can see pain in their heart and I wish I could just hug it all away. it taught me invaluable lessons that I wouldn't trade for anything. I learned of the strength thats been built inside of me through all I've been through and the power I hold through Jesus. it's grew me up. matured me faster. it gave me a better understanding of the agony that Jesus went through for me.
losing friendships that deeply mattered to me taught me to treasure and cherish people while they're around. to love their quirks and differences, for thats what makes us all unique. it taught me who I am, just me without other people. that its okay if someone decides to keep walking through life and leave me behind. that I have my own journey and purpose.
harsh words said unkindly to me taught me who I don't want to be. it brought up a desire to speak more and more lovingly, gently, and sweeter words everyday. it taught me what affects "innocent" comments can have and why the Bible says to be slow to speak, and bridle your tongue.
not feeling accepted by others made me want to make everyone I could feel loved and accepted. that each of us are special and deserved to be valued for the person we are right now.
being put down taught me the importance of encouraging, pointing out peoples little victories. It taught me not to look at someones flaws but focus on who they are right now in all their goodness, and all the potential they have down in their heart to become; to speak kind words believing in who they are becoming. to cheer people on and support them.
running through so many dark nights taught me to lean hard on Jesus. what it means to truly believe in His goodness when I don't see any sign of goodness for even months. it taught me what it means to exist and I look at the world differently. how much this world isn't my home and I'm just passing through.
I could go on and on about occurrences and what they have taught me but the point is this:
everything can teach us something good no matter how bad it is. when we choose to let it make us more beautiful, to place it in His hands for Him to do the work, we take control of it and it no longer has control over us.
don't walk through struggles and pain and come out less or the same person. come out better. believe that on the other side of this you will be far more beautiful because of it.
when you place it all in hands of God, that is the only out come because God uses everything for our good.
you are growing. you are blossoming. you will come out stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
you know that lie that you can't be good without being perfect first? the one we know isn't true but then deep down still believe?
it hit me the other day that I had cradled that lie in my heart. I had let it have a piece of control. every failure, small or big, had the power to crush me. for every little mistake screamed, "you're not good. you're not a nice person because you just spoke too harshly or impatient. you're not worthy to be loved because look how much you fail. you won't be good enough for anything until you reach that..." and thats exactly where Satan wants us. those are his lies he screams inside our heads, and sometimes we don't even recognize it until its ruining us inside. and the more he screams it, the more we believe it and the more impatient and frustrated we become.
and that was me.
I hated myself because I wasn't perfect. I pushed people away because I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved by them because I failed....to be perfect.
tears swell in my eyes as I write these words. for my heart aches and breaks for every other person who has unconsciously cradled this lie in their heart as well.
I am here to say that you are good. your mistakes don't measure your value. you don't have to always be so strong. its okay to hurt and break sometimes.
give yourself some grace.
Jesus loves you so incredibly much just the way you are, and if others don't, that is okay! It doesn't lessen your value, it doesn't make you any less of a good person..
come to His arms with all your rags and bruises. let Him cover you with His healing blood and clothe you with His robe of righteousness.
oh dear soul, you will never be perfect. stop trying so hard. put those lies in the grave and walk away free; Jesus died for this! the only thing good you can ever hold is His love within your heart. let that be where your goodness and value flows from. you'll never be truly strong unless you let Him be strong for you. He is ready with arms wide open, you'll never be hugged by gentler arms or held so tightly and securely. you'll never be so loved and accepted as you will within His heart.
"as many as received him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on His name." - John 1:12
"for everyone that thirsts, come to the Water of life" and you will find healing.
Women of proclaimed faith. where is your devotional life? are you living prayerful? where is your mind focused? where is your modesty? are you focused on being liked, on fitting in? to whom do you seek to belong? what is your spirit? one of love and compassion? Oh where is true womanly godliness.
Girl, don't you know who you are and who you're meant to be?
Haven't you found out that this worlds got nothin for ya? 'Cause it doesn't. Nomatter how glamorous Satan might show things to be its only leaving you lost, broken and empty.
The world tells women that they have a right to flaunt their bodies, their attitudes, and "confidence". That they have a right to dress however they please; they shouldn't feel as those they need to hide their bodies. That they should be overly confident, self relied. You know it all. It's screaming everywhere you look.
Well let me tell you. As "wonderful" as that kind of woman might seem, that is not who God calls you to be. He calls you to protect, respect, cherish and value your body as a beautiful creation. Sacred and special. Something that should be valued enough not to be flaunted. Your value is not how hot and curvaceous you are. You are so much more than that. You long to be valued for who you are, but you're hiding away your value by flaunting what would be better hidden. I know there's a deeper issue. and maybe many deeper issues. but the only solution to that, the only thing that will be a true remedy is chasing the covering of His love. He can heal those wounds. He can satisfy those longings and insecurities. Oh the value He places on you is unmeasurable and He longs for you to embrace your heavenly identity and value.
That confidence and show of confidence the world tells women they should have is a lie. It is self focused and proud. God calls us to a quiet confidence only rooted in Him. True confidence is gentle and silent but far more powerful.
Short devotionals and quick prayers are not enough. You are called to be women of whole heart searching of His word. We should be throwing ourselves daily at His feet, reaching moment by moment for His garment that we too might be healed from the sins and damage of this world. We are called to be women of prayer. with arms stretched out, faces to the ground offering everything into the loving hands of our savior. Our lives should be ones of daily concentration. Each moment of everyday should be one of surrender, of heart wide open that His channels of love flow continually into our hearts.
You are not to be independent and self relied. Yup you heard me. You are to be dependent and rely on Christ. You are nothing without Him. You are either filled with the things of satan or the things of Christ. You can't have a mix of both. You can't afford to be independent or self reliant. Fully depend on God, for it's only in Him you can rely.
Seek to cultivate a quiet and gentle spirit. A heart overflowing with love and compassion. Practice being slow to speak; guard your tongue to speak only things you would hear spoken in heaven. Seek daily to lay self down on the alter, and put others joys and happiness above your own.
Only through the love of Christ can you be empowered to be the women God purposed for you to be. Only in devoting everything to Him, laying down on His alter of grace that He can flood your heart and transform it. It is not something that comes easily. This is not Satans wish and He will do all He can to keep you from what you were purposed for. But do not give up. The reward is far worth it.
You belong to God. come back to His heart. let Him cover you with His love. let Him place His seed of love in your heart and watch it grow. let Him show you who He sees you as.
Don't settle for the ways of this world. for what it says you should be or who your friends are chasing to be. You are so much more that....
We are called to live lives of holiness. Of holy purpose and devotion.
"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10
we're chasing our own dreams. our goals. our passions. ourselves. our identity. our meaning...
the catcher word is, "our". Another word would be, "my". my dreams. my goals. myself...and so on.
we are focused on ourselves. our own happiness, achievements and gains. we are proud in our accomplishments and the goals we dream of meeting. we seek for happiness from others, in the mentality that we deserve it from them. And if they don't meet it, cause like each of us we are sinful human beings chasing the same things as everyone else, we throw the towel at them and tell ourselves, and maybe others aswell, "I deserve better. I'm just going to chase my dreams and make my own happy kingdom through the big goals I have." So many of us are focused on what we are capable of building in our own lives, totally missing the point of our existence in this world. while all this is very important to have, we should be careful to not become self-centered. many believe they have everything in its right place, but some are blinded.
Gods been teaching me lately that this life has nothing to do with me, finding myself, achieving anything or reaching any of my own goals. before you jump on my back, hear me out:
this life is all, and I mean all, about Him. this life is His. we merely get to be a part of His story. everything is under His control and guiding: when we let this life be about Him. He has purpose for each of us. goals and achievements assigned to everyone of us to carry out.
our identity has already been formed and we have no need to look any further for ourselves than at the foot of the cross. for our identity and who we are, is hidden in who He is.
the Bible says in Jeremiah 1:5, that before you were formed in your mothers womb, He knew you, He sanctified you; and basically already had a mission in place for you. in 29:11, it says again about how God has a future planned just for you. in Ephesians 2:10, it says, "For we are His creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, so that we may walk in them." in other words, before you even existed yet, He knew you, sanctified you for a holy purpose, had a plan for you and all the means you would need to carry it out.
God has plans, guidelines, standards and hopes for us. He wants us to prosper and do well. He wants us to grow and gain achievements, to push towards goals. but most of the time we let our own desires and wants overpower His ultimate dreams for our lives, and we lose true purpose and selfless service and surrender. we become self-focused and proud of our accomplishments forgetting that without His strength, we could do nothing. loosing the blessing of letting this life be His; running His race as His hands and feet on the earth. never forget that He is the giver of true wisdom and knowledge.
It isn't just about being the smartest or the richest. it's about living out Gods desires for our lives, and not letting ourselves and our pride get in the way of Gods higher plans and dreams for each one of us.
the famous verse found in Proverbs 3:6, gives us simple guidance in how we can chase Gods plans and dreams: "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." And the best thing about God is He never leads us down a path; He never asks us to do anything that He doesn't have provision for. and even if we've messed up, that doesn't mean we've wrecked God's plan. He is well aware that we will fail, and He is ready to use our failures for our good when we lay them down in His hands. any place you are at, God still has a plan and purpose for your life. you need only to run to Him, acknowledging who you are hid in Him and the identity He already has in place for you. "you will seek Me, and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." Chase after Gods heart with your whole heart.
because of His unendingly deep love for you, He longs to fulfill His plans in you and your life. He knows that in a life hid in His heart that you will be happiest and the most fulfilled.
let every part of your life be about Him and living out who and what He desires.
It is a daily, moment by moment, laying down of yourself; letting His life be the life you live, His love, the love you give...let every breath you breath be wrapped up in His heavenly grace held within His heart.
I want to talk about depression and believing the lies that satan tells you through other people. I believe far more of us deal with these sorts of things than most are willing to admit. Vulnerability is important. Facing your pain and the things that are hurting you, is so important.
Often times when facing deep pain we try to stuff it down and play it off that everything's okay. But this only prolongs the pain and deepens it. When depression isn't dealt with, faced head on and battled against, it grows. The roots spread and it becomes a part of who you are. When lies are listened to over and over, you take them as truths and they will change you. God has equipped us with everything we need to battle against the arms of darkness. I get it, it might be clinical depression or genetic but I also believe in a God who can equip us with the tools to battle against it, that it does not have to rule in our hearts and lives. It is ours to claim the strength He daily wishes to provide. It is a battle fought moment by moment, day by day. And at each moment we seek for His strength, He provides.
I want to talk about the lies we believe. Whether it's because of the things other people say to us or the way they treat us or things we come up with ourselves. For a long time I embraced the lies that being the sick girl made me less of a person. Part of my value seemed hinged on how well my body was. I believed the lie that because I faced so many dark days I was unstable, weak and a mess. Someone who didn't deserve to be loved until my struggles were gone and all was sunshine and smiles inside of me. I believed the lies that I wasn't a beautiful person anymore because of the things I was going through. I could go on and on, so many lies I embraced that they became a part of me. When you embrace those lies they change the way you treat yourself, treat others, think and react to things. It made me angry inside because I couldn't magically make myself well, and I desperately wanted to be "as important" as everyone else. I wanted to be a beautiful person. I wanted to be all sunshine and smiles. I messed up unspeakably during this time because lies ruled me. Depression ruled me. My sickness ruled me. I became a different person. I knew it and I missed Tiana. And that made me all the more angry because I wanted her back but didn't know how. I lost my relationship with God and pushed people away so hard because I felt like I had to be different before I let people close. Satan rejoiced at the sight of me. He held me captive. He fed me lies many different ways that I believed. But there stood Jesus. Patient and kind. Over and over, untiringly inviting me into His heart of truth. He offers healing and freedom in such deep ways that take us to a place as a person far deeper than had we not been through all of that. He is a God who doesn't let even our own mess ups go to waste. He redeems everything and uses it for our good.
The Bible says in Philippians 4:8, "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things." If there is a thought that is bringing you down, lowering your value, or hurting you, God says do NOT think on those things. Our minds have so much control. And God wants us to dwell on the truths that He says, not on the lies that satan yells in our minds. Be mindful of where you allow your mind to go and the things you think and dwell on. When a thought comes to mind take it through a filter of true or false, good or bad. Ask yourself is, this something God would speak to me? if not, throw it out! Do not accept Satans thoughts.
I have found that the most beautiful, deep, caring, and sincere solid people are the people who have gone through the most struggles and the darkest times. In the middle of their struggle they might seem like the worst person, but believe me, if they let God do as He will with their struggle they will be someone worth knowing. We read stories about people who went through crazy stuff and we are awed and look up to them for all they went through and went on to become. But when we have someone in our own lives in that place, not yet seeing what Gods going to do because of it, we get frustrated with them, look down on them and sometimes give up on them. Try to think about what they are going to become because of their struggle and fight for them on your knees. Watch what God can do.
If you are the person struggling, be inspired that you are going to come out of this twice the person you were before if in the end you allow God to do the changing from satan and his lies. Trials are here to change us and transform us. To soften our hearts, give is sympathy, empathy and understanding. It helps us to be patient with other people, and love and care so much deeper. I like to look at it that my struggles only grow my value, not lessen it. Because the hardest times are what change us the most. Think about all Jesus went through, did it lessen His value? No! And it doesn't lessen yours.
Stop embracing every thought. Not everything that seems true, is true. Just because you are tired, doesn't mean you're weak. The biggest and simpliest remedy I can offer is this:
Fill your mind with Gods word.
Keep your heart in a state of communion with God. Keep the channels open. Do not step out of His arms where satan has way to you. Continually lift your heart up to Him, redirecting your mind to dwell on His love and you will find that the chains will fall and satan will not hold your mind captive. Satan can not reach you where God is sought. Filling your mind with prayer and the reading of His word is a sure path to loosing the chains with which satan has kept you held bondage.
I haven't talked about depression yet because thoughts are that powerful. And when you focus your thoughts on the character and love of God; of heavenly things, God will send His angels to surround you where satan's darts of darkness can not penetrate.
As you dwell on God; on His love and mercy towards you, you will see that all damage done will be healed. Even in the darkness you will feel the sweetness of the sunshine living in His love, and He will give you a smile that no other power can take away.
"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You. Because he trusts in You, trust in the Lord forever. For in the Lord, is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:3-4
23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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