"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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warning! long raw vulnerable honest post here. if you start reading,
please read all the way through! -- For a long time I tried to be the person I thought people would like best. I tried to react to things in life the way I thought I should, and also the way I thought other people thought I should, especially when it came to dealing with my health issues and all that came with that. But that only brought so much built up frustration and hatred of myself to the point that I was a total train wreck..... My condition, Superior Mesenteric Artery syndrome, (which I had surgery for last July), put my body in a state of starvation. So I basically constantly felt like I was starving to death. Which I was quite literally even though I was putting food in my mouth. But because my body slipped into starvation mode no matter how much food I gave it, it was never satisfied and it thought every meal I ever ate was the last meal it would ever get. Before surgery I threw up practically every meal because it didn’t go through, up threw my mouth was the only way out. Unfortunately after surgery that state of starvation was still there. My brain didn’t get the connection that food was now going through, that everything was okay now which pushed me into a eating disorder. Not a typical one. It’s a bit more complicated and hard to explain. Basically whenever I ate as soon as I took those first few bites my brain set off signals to not stop eating until it was physically impossible to eat anything more because it was “the last meal” we would ever get again. It was uncontrollable no matter how hard I tried to tell my brain the truth. No one believed me that my eating disorder came after. No one believed me when I explained what happened. I can remember the day and what I ate when my brain first realized it was starving to death and it freaked out. The fact that people didn’t believe me and implied that it was my fault, made me more frustrated and angry because I hated myself for dealing with it when it really wasn't my fault at all. I got to the point that I couldn’t cope or deal with anything. I was so angry inside. My relationship with God and everyone else in my life came crashing down. My body and brain were sick from starving from SMAS and other health struggles, which made it harder to process and react to life normally. I tried to be okay with everything, I told myself I was, but nothing showed that to be true. The frustration and anger showed itself in so many ways. I wasn’t just sad depressed, I was angry depressed. And that is much worse. Because the smallest thing can set you off from being fine to being suicidal to the point that your ready to commit suicide there and then. My brain never stopped. It was spinning a mile a minute constantly, “I have to do better. I have to try harder. I have to take more pills, do this and that. Get things together. Stop being this way.” I stuffed down Tiana. I shut her out. Right now wasn’t a good time to deal with her I had too many other things to deal with. I couldn’t accept the way things were because I had to change them. I couldn’t embrace being sad I’m the sick girl because I have to fight to not be. I couldn’t admit I wasn’t okay with the way things were because I had to be the tough girl. But i couldn’t change it. I didn’t embrace it, I became bitter. I “admitted” I wasn’t okay in unhealthy ways that to most wouldn’t have noticed that’s really what it was. Everything that use to be Tiana felt gone, dead and lost. I longed for her back but at the same time she couldn’t come back right not because, ugh these things I thought I had to get through them first. Often times people don’t realize that we can be to ourselves the worst critics. We can be far too hard on ourselves and then when others are pushing us as well, it makes us feel like broken is all we are. Finally one day, it was the hardest day I’ve ever faced. The emotional pain in my heart felt like death itself. All I wanted to do was die. It was unexplainable. I could feel myself slipping away, my brain was struggling to work properly, I couldn’t think or process, my heart was beating hard and the anxiety was suffocating me into my throat. I completely lost it to the point that everything just....stopped. I felt myself going crazy but I couldn’t control it and than all a sudden everything faded off and I went unresponsive and unconscious. After that, that was it. I was done. I was the sick girl, I wasn’t going to try to change it. I wasn’t okay with things. My heart hurt, I was broken and beyond tired. And I was done trying to be okay with things. I was done trying to be and meet up. It felt like the worst place possible but to God it was the best place. When I let go of who I was trying to be, Tiana automatically jumped up and pressed her way back in. Getting to the beyond done place, was a freedom place. I finally let go of everything that was holding me and pulling me down. It set me free from the hatred of myself, of being the sick girl, the frustration that people don’t understand, the anger that I’m not the super hero I wish to be, pretty much everything that was ruining me. The Tiana, I once knew and missed started showing herself in so many small ways. I had prayed and prayed that God would bring her back. But it took hitting beyond rock bottom to finally get to the point that God could really get through and work. It has been and continues to be a daily process of keeping my heart free as Satan tries so desperately to use my past against me in any and every way he can, and it’s a battle only Jesus can win. The only thing I can do is continually open my heart and seek His strength and aid continually through out everyday. Finally, like the Tiana I knew, Jesus is the focus. Letting His life and love flood my heart, soul and mind. Loving others with His love. Being a beacon of sunshine. Pursuing my dreams. Singing and praising Jesus. And so on... Everything I once knew and enjoyed is finally coming back little by little. And it’s all because of Jesus and the working of His hands, because of His love and faithfulness. It's still a painful season. Things still aren't okay. God has a lot of healing to do in my heart, mind, body and soul. I lost a lot, and I have a lot of regrets. Satan constantly tries to control my thoughts and feed me lies and discouragement. But Jesus offers His whole heart to me. And with His heart comes truth, peace and an endless supply of His healing love. I also believe that Jesus is a God of restoration. He can restore and promises to heal what is broken. Everything that was ruined He can turn and use it to bring back something far more beautiful than it was before. Don't try to be something because you thinks it's the way you should be. Embrace who you are. It's okay not to be okay! It's okay that things feel hard. You don't always have to have it all together. Rest in His arms. He will hold you. He is the only One who can hold you together. He is the only place you will find your true identity and worth, your true self, true peace, and joy and healing. It's okay if people don't understand. Your Maker, Father and best friend understands more than anyone else ever could. He feels your pain. With every tear you cry, He cries to. He loves you far more than you ever dream to be loved. You are perfect to Him. You are so enough to Him. He wants to spend forever with you. Forever loving you! He calls you His beloved one, His priceless incomparable treasure. He longs to swallow you up in His love. He wants to hold you so tightly and whisper to your heart how beautiful you are to Him, all the beautiful things He sees in you and how much He loves you and is chasing your heart. Don't be deaf to His heart tugging at yours. Open up your mind and heart, reach out, open your hands wide open and let Him rush in. Let Him love you! Let His truth fill your mind. Let Him do the holding together. Let Him do the working. Rest now, Child. You are loved. And you are held so tightly. Just believe and trust His heart. "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." -Psalm 18:16
3 Comments
Mellady
3/29/2019 11:09:53 pm
Tiana, first I want to say thank you for your willingness and courage to be vulnerable and real. I think we all need permission to be human. I am so glad that innocent, carefree girl inside is finding her way out of hiding again. This post is helpful to me to better understand what to do and what not to do in order to be supportive of others going through struggles. I'm so sorry for the terrible suffering you endured. Sometimes it seems so hard to understand why these things happen. I'm glad you have been able to gather meaning from it and are feeling some better. Blessings to you, and may the sun always shine on you even on cloudy days.
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Lori Braman
3/30/2019 10:10:52 am
Thank you so much for everything you shared!! I totally love how Jesus takes all the mess and difficult things in our lives and turns them into such beauty!! Precious, sweet girl, you are a blessing!! Life is so much richer with you in it!! 🤗♥️
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David Varner
3/30/2019 11:52:48 am
Thank you for allowing God to speak through you. Being vulnerable is good. I'm glad you've gotten past pretending who you are. Continue to rest in His peace.
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23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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