"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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A while back I believe I wrote a blog post about hitting rock bottom and the blessings that come with that. Well, I want to dig that topic back up and share again about why God sometimes allows us to hit rock bottom and why sometimes that's necessary.
Over the years of struggling tremendously physically and that aiding in deep depression, I've hit rock bottom more times than I can count. And every time no matter how deeply I was breaking, no matter how much the darkness seemed to engulf and swallow me, Jesus kept me holding on. As I wrote in my previous blog post, "Good, Good Father", I recently hit the lowest I've ever been. I didn't even imagine it was possible to feel so anxious for life to end. I hit a spot I didn't believe I could or ever wanted to recover from. The hardness of life and the pain that comes with it, felt so much greater than any good it could ever hold for me. There were countless nights I spent begging with God to just let me go; that I didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't answer right away. To be honest, it's taken many months to see any change or come through with His promise that He will rescue and heal. But you know, as hard as it was facing each of those days, wondering even if He would ever lift me out of the darkness, I wouldn't trade them for anything. He packed so many incredible lessons into such a short time, He did so much work in my heart that I never saw during it all. His promise of, "Child, just wait. Soon you'll see what I'm doing. Trust Me", never fails. And I'm living proof! He taught me what it really means to wait patiently before Him. To trust Him even in the amidst of pure darkness. That even healing has a perfect time. He never rushes, not because He wants to prolong our suffering. But because He knows there is greater good, and has greater blessings when He does things in His perfect time. He taught me the real reason I exist. That my existence really has nothing to do with me. I'm not here to find fulfillment, for my own happiness or gain. I'm here to be His light bearer, to share my story of His goodness and love in my life. The things I go through are to shape me, to mold me, to create in me a new heart: a heart fashioned and perfected in His similitude that others might find His heart through mine. I am here to be a living example of what a christian and daughter of God should be. For His love to flow out through me. My, "why me", turned into "use me". My, "God, heal my heart, rescue me out", turned into "here,'s my heart, wide open for You to do whatever it is You're trying to do in me." My, "God, why do I have to exist, just let me die" turned into, "God, I live for You. I exist to show the world what You're like through my life. Give me strength to endure this fire that burns away all my dross, that I might die completely so that You can shine through me entirely." Not because there is one mite of goodness in me, there is not one drop, but because of His redeeming love and faithfulness in never giving up on me no matter how many times I accused Him wrongly, no matter how many times I got angry at Him, and no matter how hard I pushed Him away. I have asked God millions of times, "why me, God? why me? why do I have to be the sick girl? Why do I have to struggle so much?" Well I'm here to say, if God is taking you down a painful road; if you've been walking this painful road even for years. Know this.... you are chosen. You are chosen for a special mission for God. He sees something in you worth cultivating; worth using. How humbling that the God of all creation would choose YOU to be His special light! He has a purpose for your pain, and that is to change you so that you can be ready for your mission: to be His love and light bearer. You are chosen!
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23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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