"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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warning! long raw vulnerable honest post here. if you start reading,
please read all the way through! -- For a long time I tried to be the person I thought people would like best. I tried to react to things in life the way I thought I should, and also the way I thought other people thought I should, especially when it came to dealing with my health issues and all that came with that. But that only brought so much built up frustration and hatred of myself to the point that I was a total train wreck..... My condition, Superior Mesenteric Artery syndrome, (which I had surgery for last July), put my body in a state of starvation. So I basically constantly felt like I was starving to death. Which I was quite literally even though I was putting food in my mouth. But because my body slipped into starvation mode no matter how much food I gave it, it was never satisfied and it thought every meal I ever ate was the last meal it would ever get. Before surgery I threw up practically every meal because it didn’t go through, up threw my mouth was the only way out. Unfortunately after surgery that state of starvation was still there. My brain didn’t get the connection that food was now going through, that everything was okay now which pushed me into a eating disorder. Not a typical one. It’s a bit more complicated and hard to explain. Basically whenever I ate as soon as I took those first few bites my brain set off signals to not stop eating until it was physically impossible to eat anything more because it was “the last meal” we would ever get again. It was uncontrollable no matter how hard I tried to tell my brain the truth. No one believed me that my eating disorder came after. No one believed me when I explained what happened. I can remember the day and what I ate when my brain first realized it was starving to death and it freaked out. The fact that people didn’t believe me and implied that it was my fault, made me more frustrated and angry because I hated myself for dealing with it when it really wasn't my fault at all. I got to the point that I couldn’t cope or deal with anything. I was so angry inside. My relationship with God and everyone else in my life came crashing down. My body and brain were sick from starving from SMAS and other health struggles, which made it harder to process and react to life normally. I tried to be okay with everything, I told myself I was, but nothing showed that to be true. The frustration and anger showed itself in so many ways. I wasn’t just sad depressed, I was angry depressed. And that is much worse. Because the smallest thing can set you off from being fine to being suicidal to the point that your ready to commit suicide there and then. My brain never stopped. It was spinning a mile a minute constantly, “I have to do better. I have to try harder. I have to take more pills, do this and that. Get things together. Stop being this way.” I stuffed down Tiana. I shut her out. Right now wasn’t a good time to deal with her I had too many other things to deal with. I couldn’t accept the way things were because I had to change them. I couldn’t embrace being sad I’m the sick girl because I have to fight to not be. I couldn’t admit I wasn’t okay with the way things were because I had to be the tough girl. But i couldn’t change it. I didn’t embrace it, I became bitter. I “admitted” I wasn’t okay in unhealthy ways that to most wouldn’t have noticed that’s really what it was. Everything that use to be Tiana felt gone, dead and lost. I longed for her back but at the same time she couldn’t come back right not because, ugh these things I thought I had to get through them first. Often times people don’t realize that we can be to ourselves the worst critics. We can be far too hard on ourselves and then when others are pushing us as well, it makes us feel like broken is all we are. Finally one day, it was the hardest day I’ve ever faced. The emotional pain in my heart felt like death itself. All I wanted to do was die. It was unexplainable. I could feel myself slipping away, my brain was struggling to work properly, I couldn’t think or process, my heart was beating hard and the anxiety was suffocating me into my throat. I completely lost it to the point that everything just....stopped. I felt myself going crazy but I couldn’t control it and than all a sudden everything faded off and I went unresponsive and unconscious. After that, that was it. I was done. I was the sick girl, I wasn’t going to try to change it. I wasn’t okay with things. My heart hurt, I was broken and beyond tired. And I was done trying to be okay with things. I was done trying to be and meet up. It felt like the worst place possible but to God it was the best place. When I let go of who I was trying to be, Tiana automatically jumped up and pressed her way back in. Getting to the beyond done place, was a freedom place. I finally let go of everything that was holding me and pulling me down. It set me free from the hatred of myself, of being the sick girl, the frustration that people don’t understand, the anger that I’m not the super hero I wish to be, pretty much everything that was ruining me. The Tiana, I once knew and missed started showing herself in so many small ways. I had prayed and prayed that God would bring her back. But it took hitting beyond rock bottom to finally get to the point that God could really get through and work. It has been and continues to be a daily process of keeping my heart free as Satan tries so desperately to use my past against me in any and every way he can, and it’s a battle only Jesus can win. The only thing I can do is continually open my heart and seek His strength and aid continually through out everyday. Finally, like the Tiana I knew, Jesus is the focus. Letting His life and love flood my heart, soul and mind. Loving others with His love. Being a beacon of sunshine. Pursuing my dreams. Singing and praising Jesus. And so on... Everything I once knew and enjoyed is finally coming back little by little. And it’s all because of Jesus and the working of His hands, because of His love and faithfulness. It's still a painful season. Things still aren't okay. God has a lot of healing to do in my heart, mind, body and soul. I lost a lot, and I have a lot of regrets. Satan constantly tries to control my thoughts and feed me lies and discouragement. But Jesus offers His whole heart to me. And with His heart comes truth, peace and an endless supply of His healing love. I also believe that Jesus is a God of restoration. He can restore and promises to heal what is broken. Everything that was ruined He can turn and use it to bring back something far more beautiful than it was before. Don't try to be something because you thinks it's the way you should be. Embrace who you are. It's okay not to be okay! It's okay that things feel hard. You don't always have to have it all together. Rest in His arms. He will hold you. He is the only One who can hold you together. He is the only place you will find your true identity and worth, your true self, true peace, and joy and healing. It's okay if people don't understand. Your Maker, Father and best friend understands more than anyone else ever could. He feels your pain. With every tear you cry, He cries to. He loves you far more than you ever dream to be loved. You are perfect to Him. You are so enough to Him. He wants to spend forever with you. Forever loving you! He calls you His beloved one, His priceless incomparable treasure. He longs to swallow you up in His love. He wants to hold you so tightly and whisper to your heart how beautiful you are to Him, all the beautiful things He sees in you and how much He loves you and is chasing your heart. Don't be deaf to His heart tugging at yours. Open up your mind and heart, reach out, open your hands wide open and let Him rush in. Let Him love you! Let His truth fill your mind. Let Him do the holding together. Let Him do the working. Rest now, Child. You are loved. And you are held so tightly. Just believe and trust His heart. "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." -Psalm 18:16
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As I sit alone quietly in my room, strumming my guitar, tears trickle down my face. I feel His tender hands tugging at my heart. And these are the words I hear Him gently whisper,
-- I see the pain. I see the hurt. I hear you’re cries. Your brokenness within. The darkness that surrounds. Child, you’re not alone. You haven’t always seen Me but I've never left and I never will. I accept you then, I accept you now. I don’t care what you’ve done. I’ll love you still. For My love for you is unconditional, for My life is to love you. I want nothing more, nothing less, than all of your heart. It is a prize I died to receive and one I desire to know every detail about. I want you. I want your smile, your heart, your bad days and your best. Let Me cover you with My love. I’ll heal the damage others have caused. I’ll never break your heart. My love is here to stay. Nothing could ever make Me want to walk away. For my love is unconditional. It will never change. My beloved one, You are My precious treasure. You are beautiful. Worthy. Cherished above the finest gold. Worth more than life itself to Me. Let My love in. You can trust Me. My words are true, they will never change. For My love for you, is unconditional. --------------- New tears now began to fall, for He sure knows how to get to a girls heart. He knows exactly the words I need to hear no matter what's going on. He might not fix things immediately, He might not make it all okay right away. But He offers you His unconditional love, companionship, friendship and saving grace. He can give you peace amidst the breaking, darkness, confusion, pain and struggle through His love. And my favorite part about all He offers is that it is unconditional, so unconditional! You can always depend on Him, no matter what! No matter what you do, no matter how far you run, His arms are wide open with forgiveness. Nomatter how many steps you take away from Him, its only one step back! Everyday anew, I ask that God would give me the precious gift of His love. Not just for my own journey, but that His love would transform my heart to look just like His. So that I would be able to love others just like Him. Let His love fill every part of your heart and mind. It brings healing, renewing, transformation, peace and quiet joy. It is the remedy for every and anything. He is after your heart! His love is yours to accept and embrace! He holds nothing back. His heart is yours! Hold your hands out wide open tonight and just let Him breath His life into your soul and love into every part of your heart. He's ready to embrace you and shower you with His love. Over the last little while I've been learning a lot about myself, about my relationship with God and my relationship with others, specifically my romantic relationship.
God has allowed me to get to the lowest of lows. Lower than I ever imagined I could ever feel. But I am so grateful for the blessed lessons that I wouldn't have learned and continue to learn if it weren't for those deep heart wrenching painful times. Today I want to share a little bit of romantic relationship stuff. Some of it might seem a bit, "Duh" to you but I think it's important to touch on these things anyhow. What we will be talking about is mostly for the ladies, but gentlemen, please do stay and read. As maybe it will give you some insight into the brains of us girls. Also, let me know if you find what I write to be accurate in yourself. I'd love to know. Let's get started. Am I the kind of women he needs? Growing up I always dreamed about my future husband. The way he'd look, his personality, his walk with God, the way he'd lead our love and life together. I made that whole list of things I wanted: 6'2, broad shoulders, fit, brown wavy hair, light gentle eyes, extrovert, funny, sing to me, adventurous, kind, gentle, steady, positive, hard worker, family guy, ministry minded... Girl you get it. As girls dreaming about our future husband is like part of who we are as females. It's how God designed us. But I believe only occasionally do we make whole lists of things that guy we dream about would want in his future wife. We get caught up in him and lose track of us. And the women that kind of guy we want will need. The easiest would be to become that women beforehand, but some of us have to become her during a relationship and others, after one. Either way, if we summit our hearts wide open and lay our lives completely at His feet. He will teach and instruct and transform us in all the right ways. It is not something we can do on our own, in fact, we can't do anything at all. Jesus alone can make us the women our dream guy needs. A lot of what I'm going to share are things that your dream guy will need from you as his partner in life. Somethings I've learned that I believe would be game changers for some heart breaks. First, guys were created to be leaders. They naturally want to guide. Guys want to be the pursuers just as girls want to be pursued. Guys and girls are so different that sometimes tension builds up because neither one realizes that they are in two different worlds and theres nothing really wrong with either of them, but that their brains and hearts are just wired differently. So they have different thought passages, different emotions, different needs and wants, different ways of communication and so on. And often times, when the couple does not realize the miscommunication and strife is stemming from a lack of understanding of the other gender, they often blame each other for something that's really not their fault. If they took the time to see the differences, learn the differences and accommodate according to the differences, much more peace would abound. Relationships are all about giving, not 50/50, but 100/100%. As christians we are to die daily, we are to lay ourselves at the foot of the cross and take on His love and character. We are to put others before ourselves. We are to give the love we wish to receive. Not in order to receive but give unselfishly. When we love unselfishly it fills our hearts with a sweetness that nothing could ever compare to. In order to love your dream guy you must first love yourself. For real. If you hate yourself, that does something in your heart that shows itself in so many ways. I know sometimes its so hard to accept the way you are, believe me I've been there. But I also, know it's so possible because I'm living that possibility! And if you don't love God first and foremost, you sure as rain could not love him as he and you would both need for a healthy relationship. So focus on loving yourself. Letting God's love wash over you and be like a blanket over your soul. Accept God's view of you, His love of your inner and outer beauty. Focus on the things God says you are. Speak truths to yourself. It's so important. I want to share just a couple things that are so important in building up your man and keeping his heart and your relationship flourishing and being that proverbs 31, help mate we long to be. 1. Let him guide. Let him guide in the relationship and spiritually. It's not to say your opinion doesn't matter, it definitely does. And I'm sure he wants to hear your opinion and would respect you for it. But make sure he always knows that you trust his guidance even when you don't always agree. 2. Listen to what he has to say. Guys like to fix things. No matter what it is, they want to fix it. Which is so sweet and nice, but sometimes us girls don't want it fixed we just want someone to listen to us vent and understand our hearts. If he has something to say, listen to him. sincerely. It's only because he cares and wants to help. Maybe its not your idea of help or, like I said, you don't want help at all. But listening to him won't hurt and it will make him feel like he helped, guys need that. 3. Ask for his opinion and value it. Ask him for his input. It shows him that his opinion matters to you and that you value what he thinks. 4. Ask for his counsel. Heed his counsel and trust the wisdom God has given him. Ask him to seek guidance from God for something specific with you. Ask for his help and let him help you! 5. Hold your tongue. Now this is a harder one. Especially for those of us who tend to talk before thinking. But hold your tongue when you're upset, or frustrated and feel like blowing up at him. Instead, tell him he is a gift and something you love about him. Yes!!! Do it. You won't regret it. I know for sure that it would break down the walls of pride and anger and build a haven of love and peace. Proverbs 15:1 says, "a calm answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." 6. Tell him consistently that you believe in him and stand by him Guys get discouraged too. Don't neglect his need of support, it will mean the world coming from you especially. Hearing that you believe in him and that you stand by him no matter what will build him up, it will make him feel stronger and like he can take on whatever it is he is facing. 7. Affirm his strengths. He needs complements too. Point out to him qualities you see and love about him. Especially at times when his not so good qualities seem to be jumping out at you. Focus and voice to him the wonderful things about him. It will not only build him up but also, grow the love in your heart towards him. 8. Challenge him. Guys love a challenge. They love someone putting them up to something and trying to reach the goal. Challenge his spiritual life, dare him to become the best version of himself, to trust and love God a little more, challenge him to go after that dream a little harder and cheer him on all the while. "Be a cheerleader that challenges him." 9. Compliment him in public, especially in front of your friends. Encourage him publicly. Don't be afraid to show the world you are proud of him and who he is. 10. Take time to do and show interest in what he loves. Even if you know nothing about it, or hold any interest at all. You love your man, therefore you're interested in what he's interested in, so show him that. Let your own desires die and step into his world. He will love that you are interested and join in on the things he enjoys. And I can almost guarantee it will open the doors for him to do the same for you. 11. Always put him first. If he wants to spend time with you or wants to speak to you about something, if he is seeking your attention for any reason but you're not feeling it or you're just busy doing something else. Drop what you're doing. It can wait. Practice Christlike love by putting the other persons needs above your own. 12. Seek always to be positive. The Bible speaks a lot about being thankful, and trusting God. We can't be negative if we are trusting everything in His hands...Seek to be a ray of sunshine. Ask Jesus to fill your heart continually with His love and sunshine that it will overflow in everything you do and say. 13. Words of love and strength. Tell him he matters to you. Express appreciation for things he does or characteristics about him. Tell him you trust and respect him and his judgment. Tell him you support him. In short, build him up in any way you can, any chance you get. 14. Build boundaries. Don't burn each other out. Set healthy boundaries. Set recharge and sit down communication times. Date nights, where everything else is left behind and you just focus on enjoying each other. 15. Give him space. Sometimes guys just need to have a little space. Not because they don't love you but because they're human too. And we as humans sometimes need our separate time. and most importantly, 16. Put God first. Always. Focus your heart first on Jesus. Focus on letting Him complete you. Focus on letting His love and life fill every part of your heart. Seek to make Jesus' love be the love that you pour on your guy. Let Jesus do the transforming. Let Jesus love your guy through your heart. Focus on seeing him through Jesus' lens. Focus on building him up and pushing him closer to Christ.... Then will you be the women your dream guy needs. I searched for You in empty places.
I searched to quench my thirst in empty vases. The broken pieces cut deep as healing never came. I tried this and that. But nothing lasted help. You were just a name. One that I had heard all my life long. Till one day I met You. I met You at the bottom of the well. I was ready to die. My body had run dry. I had tear stained cheeks... a bleeding heart. I was filthy, weak and lonely. To my heart with tender eyes You whispered... I will purge away thy dross. I will give you a new heart... I will renew your strength. I will mount you up as wings as eagles. You will run and not be weary. You will walk and never faint. "But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."* I will wipe away your tears. I will be your strength of heart. Fear not for I will carry you. I will never leave you. I will fill your heart with peace. I will give you rest. Most of all, I will love you forever and this is a promise I will always keep. Rest now in my arms. (*John 4:14) "Chase God and you never know where He will take you." The Chase So often we get so cought up in our lives that we lose track of what we're really chasing in life. Sometimes when things are going good we almost forget that Jesus is waiting... Every morning He is waiting to spend time with His precious child. His heart is overflowig with love and encouragement and strength for the day.Every night he is waiting to hear all about your day. To connect His heart with yours. But so often we put Him of till later. We turn to our friends first when we need something instead of God. We have time to connect with all our friends but never enough time to connect with the One who cares about our hearts more than we could imagine. We are so unfocused. Chasing all the wrong things. No, they may not be morally wrong but its not what we should be chasing with all of our heart. Take a moment and ask yourself. What are you chasing? Who are you really chasing?If His name isn't first, then we aren't headed in the right direction which is His direction. God has been chasing us and trying to win our hearts since day one. He wants to give us the world! Imagine your dream guy. A guy who watched over you daily to be sure His precious treasure was safe. When you got home He was there waiting with open arms. Every night He waited anxious to hear every little detail about your day... about everything that was on your heart. But instead of loving Him back you pushed Him away and merely said "Later, I'm busy now". And yet, He continued to chase you 'cause He loved you that much. He loved you so much that He gave up absolutely everything, including dying a cruel death because compared to His love for you what He gave was nothing at all. Everyday He wants to make His love more real to you. He wants to make dreams come true. He wants your heart to be One with His. You are His most precious treasure. Will you let Him love you? Oh pursue God with all your heart! God created you a one-in-a-million girl/guy. And He wants you to know that to Him you are worth more than gold. You are worth more than death. God is waiting...He is there. Patiently waiting for you to run to Him. He knows just what your strugging with right now. He knows just what's on your heart and He wants you to talk to Him about it. His plans for you are amazing. Far better than you could ever imagine. Chase after God and let Him take conrtol of your life. You'll never regret it I assure you. God wants a close relationship with you. He wants your heart to be One with His. Let Him into your heart. Chase after God with all of your heart! He is chasing after you... Will you chase after Him too? To be honest the last couple days have been hard. My mind felt like such a blur, almost like I couldn't even think. I felt like I was falling apart.
I had been praying and praying. But I didn't really feel like God was hearing me... Last night I slept outside on our porch under the stars. I was just laying there talking to my sweet Jesus when I realized that I have never really seen a falling star. So I prayed that God would send a falling star. A few minutes passed and I kind of forgot my quiet prayer. I was about to go to sleep when I remembered and said to myself "No, Jesus is going to show me a falling star. I have to wait up to see it." And right away, right where I was looking I saw a falling star. My mouth dropped. I lay there stunned and the seconds passed. He heard! He cared! Tears streamed down my face and all I could say was "Thank you, Jesus! Thank you!" It was then I was assured that He does hear me and He is answering my prayer... Though my eyes be filled with tears... my mind feels like a blur... I feel alone, like I'm falling apart. But I know He is right by my side holding me in His arms. And I am not alone. Not at all. |
23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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