"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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A while back I believe I wrote a blog post about hitting rock bottom and the blessings that come with that. Well, I want to dig that topic back up and share again about why God sometimes allows us to hit rock bottom and why sometimes that's necessary.
Over the years of struggling tremendously physically and that aiding in deep depression, I've hit rock bottom more times than I can count. And every time no matter how deeply I was breaking, no matter how much the darkness seemed to engulf and swallow me, Jesus kept me holding on. As I wrote in my previous blog post, "Good, Good Father", I recently hit the lowest I've ever been. I didn't even imagine it was possible to feel so anxious for life to end. I hit a spot I didn't believe I could or ever wanted to recover from. The hardness of life and the pain that comes with it, felt so much greater than any good it could ever hold for me. There were countless nights I spent begging with God to just let me go; that I didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't answer right away. To be honest, it's taken many months to see any change or come through with His promise that He will rescue and heal. But you know, as hard as it was facing each of those days, wondering even if He would ever lift me out of the darkness, I wouldn't trade them for anything. He packed so many incredible lessons into such a short time, He did so much work in my heart that I never saw during it all. His promise of, "Child, just wait. Soon you'll see what I'm doing. Trust Me", never fails. And I'm living proof! He taught me what it really means to wait patiently before Him. To trust Him even in the amidst of pure darkness. That even healing has a perfect time. He never rushes, not because He wants to prolong our suffering. But because He knows there is greater good, and has greater blessings when He does things in His perfect time. He taught me the real reason I exist. That my existence really has nothing to do with me. I'm not here to find fulfillment, for my own happiness or gain. I'm here to be His light bearer, to share my story of His goodness and love in my life. The things I go through are to shape me, to mold me, to create in me a new heart: a heart fashioned and perfected in His similitude that others might find His heart through mine. I am here to be a living example of what a christian and daughter of God should be. For His love to flow out through me. My, "why me", turned into "use me". My, "God, heal my heart, rescue me out", turned into "here,'s my heart, wide open for You to do whatever it is You're trying to do in me." My, "God, why do I have to exist, just let me die" turned into, "God, I live for You. I exist to show the world what You're like through my life. Give me strength to endure this fire that burns away all my dross, that I might die completely so that You can shine through me entirely." Not because there is one mite of goodness in me, there is not one drop, but because of His redeeming love and faithfulness in never giving up on me no matter how many times I accused Him wrongly, no matter how many times I got angry at Him, and no matter how hard I pushed Him away. I have asked God millions of times, "why me, God? why me? why do I have to be the sick girl? Why do I have to struggle so much?" Well I'm here to say, if God is taking you down a painful road; if you've been walking this painful road even for years. Know this.... you are chosen. You are chosen for a special mission for God. He sees something in you worth cultivating; worth using. How humbling that the God of all creation would choose YOU to be His special light! He has a purpose for your pain, and that is to change you so that you can be ready for your mission: to be His love and light bearer. You are chosen!
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Recently Jesus opened my eyes to what it really means, and the way I can live having Him as my Father.
Imagine with me a little child. Innocent and dependent on his father to protect, care for, supply his needs, guide and teach him. The child lives carefree knowing he has his father who will take care of him. We lose that carefree dependency because we grow up and try to do things ourselves. We are to be like that child as Jesus is that Father to us even as adults. As simple as it sounds, we often never truly grasp it. We try to take God along with us instead of letting God take us along with Him. We view Him more like a friend and less like a Father. So we vent to Him. We ask Him to walk by our sides, asking Him to grant our wishes and upset when He doesn't. We throw fits like children. But we don't summit like children. As a child we had to summit our wishes when they went against our fathers trusting he knew best. As adults, God wants us to do the same thing with Him. Jesus wants you to hold His hand tightly, and just let Him guide you all through life. You know why You can so trust Him? Because He's already been through it all! And He's already got everything figured out. He has all your needs supplied just at the right time, He will protect you, teach you and be right there helping you grow every step of the way. We're not to try to figure things out or solve our problems and heal our hearts. He wants us to lean hard into His arms as a child and trust our Father with our hearts and our whole lives. Don't try to take Jesus along with you through life. Let Him take you through life. Don't just let Him be your friend, let Him be your all knowing, ever loving, tender faithful Father. Live in the worry-less freedom of His arms. Trusting Him to work all things out for Your best. Let the love of your Father cover every ache, every hurt and worry. Let Him carry every burden that you may run and skip through life carefree as a child. You think life couldn’t get more heavy, but than it somehow does. The last couple days have been unmentionably tough. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed or searched for God more constant and desperately.
This morning I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. And the pain in my heart felt as though it had stolen everything inside of me. For the last little while I’ve cried out to Him in more of a loud, frustrated, angry way. Frustrated about everything I can’t control. About the things I desperately want to change but can’t. About the pain in my heart and life that I don’t understand why He’s allowing. But finally, my heart was quiet and gentle. Other times I came to Him in more of a demanding way, but this time I felt His glory, I could feel His goodness and I was humbled at His feet. My cry was more of a whisper. Something had changed. As I laid down on the porch with my arms stretched out I looked up to the sky and cried out to Jesus in a soft voice, “I can’t do this. I can’t carry this weight and pain anymore. Set me free. Set me free from everything. Please Jesus, please.” As I laid still, tears trickled down my face and the sun burnt my eyes. I continued to lay still for a few moments longer and then got up, not questioning for a second that He would answer my prayer. A couple hours later I was driving home from town when it hit me that the heavy in my heart was light and the ache was gone. The anxious thoughts and feelings and fear of tomorrow was gone. My heart was at perfect rest. He had heard my cry. It's been hard to believe He's heard and working lately, it's been a journey of faith and learning what trusting Him really means. But so many things to me about that, not only did He answer my cry but He also showed me that even though I don't see it He is working. Prayer has been a favorite of mine to study. We underestimate the power and privilege of prayer. I know sometimes it feels like He doesn’t hear, or even if He does, that are prayers are left floating in the sky and He does nothing with them. Jesus, longs for us to speak to Him nomatter the circumstances, even if we feel angry or frustrated towards Him. He wants you to tell Him, talk to Him about it. Even if it feels like He hasn’t answered your prayers, it doesn’t mean He isn’t hearing and lining every blessing up to arrive at just the right time. I know, I know! Sometimes it feels impossible to believe at all. But if you let Him, and if you take the time to listen and see, He will show you in the smallest most beautiful ways. If you talk to Him about all that is on your heart, He can give you whatever you need to get through. These aren't just my words, He has promised. One of my favorite verses, and one I've been claiming a lot recently is Isaiah 41:10. It goes as follows, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness." That's a promise. Claim it! One of my favorite things about prayer is that prayer doesn’t bring God down to us, but brings us up to God. When you pray you are rising above into Gods presence. In His presence is peace, healing, joy, rest, safety, assurance, comfort, love and the list goes on. When you pray, Jesus' angels incircle you with their wings. Just imagine that. Prayer is your most powerful tool in all of life through anything. Use it! As the Bible says, pray continually. Something I use to pray all the time was for Jesus to hold me. I needed to feel engulfed and held tight physically but I didn't have someone to do that for me. So I would ask Him to hold me. Obviously He is not physically felt, but nonetheless He would answer that prayer and those feelings of needing to be held would be satisfied. You don't have to drown under the weight of this, Jesus longs for you to reach up because He is already reaching down to you. Reach out your arms to Him, let Him pull you into the safety of His arms. "Come unto me, all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28 I'm back in North Carolina for a short time, its good to be back home. There is no place like the farm. It's so quiet, and peaceful. I was so fortunate and blessed to grow up here. Country living does a lot of beautiful heart and character building that city life doesn't even give the slightest to. As I came home from the city, which I do really like, I realized though how much living on this farm made me the women I am today. And I don't take it for granted. As I walked through the farm the birds were singing so beautifully, I want to be a bird. Nothing ever stops them from singing. Something about all the beautiful green trees, and stillness makes me feel so much closer to God and I can feel Him drawing me in. Looking at the plants and flowers, I noticed how beautifully the rose bush was blooming. And it pricked a tender spot in my heart. Ever feel like you've given all of yourself away and now theres nothing left? That you've given everything inside of your heart till your empty? People you care about ever say unkind things that make you feel worthless? People you love, that you would do anything for ever stop loving you as deep leaving you wondering why you couldn't be enough? Ever given something away and it left you broken, feeling like it stole your value? Me too. But you know what? There's beautiful in that broken place. You aren't too broken, too used. You aren't those things people believe and say about you. You aren't worthless and you are beyond enough. Your value hasn't degreased. As I walked by the rose bush I paused and a perfect rose stood out to me. In the quietness, as I reached for the rose God whispered to my heart, "that's you!" It struck me by surprise and I stood there gazing at the rose pondering what He could have meant by that. The rose starts as a small green bud and over time it blossom into a perfect beautiful pink rose. Its simple and delicate but yet complexed and strong. Each rose is a little different, uniquely beautiful in its own way. Some have little "flaws" but each one is perfect. Just the way it is. And this is what Jesus was saying to me: You're simple and delicate, you love deep and give all of yourself relentlessly. Yet you're complex, deep and strong. You don't give up in the face of battle, but face it like Daniel facing Goliath. You've been broken, bruised, battered and torn and you've managed to keep your heart open, gentle and full of love. It has not left you less valuable or less beautiful, less worthy or worthless. But perfectly beautiful shining in the shaping that took place in the budding process. That pain, those harsh unkind words, they aren't true. I know you, I see your heart and all the things they don't. Hear me, for what I say of you is true. Though you feel more broken and worthless than you've ever felt, you are more beautiful than you've ever been. For all that you've been through you've allowed and I've used to change you, to mold you and transform you into a beautiful strong women. You've allowed pain to make you more sympathetic, empathetic, understanding and gentle. You've allowed it to soften your heart. Most of all You've allowed it to draw you and deepen your longing and love for Me. Your value has only increased for all you've been through, not degreased. For you've come out twice the person you were before. You are different than all the other girls, you choose me, you choose my ways, you seek to be a women of godliness. And the value of that is incomparable. The beauty and treasure of your heart doesn't go unnoticed. Your efforts in becoming more like Me aren't in vain. You've chosen love nomatter how hard its been. You have no idea the beauty I see in you for I put it there. Its okay if everyone doesn't see it. It doesn't make it any less there. You are a beautiful, perfect rose. I have chosen and picked you. That rose? Thats you. Beautiful and perfect right here, right now. As painful though it be, never let the words of others make you bitter or hateful towards them. When life hits you with unexpected pain and you're tempted to close off your heart and let it harden. When people don't see your value or how much you're trying and changing and becoming. Choose Jesus: choose love. For love is patient and love is kind. Love doesn't care who's wrong or who's right. It doesn't boast or envy. And it never quits no matter what. It's not selfish, it doesn't seek its own. It's selfless, self-sacrificing. It's never proud or forceful. Love never fails or gives up. It never holds grudges but forgives and forgets. The list goes on... We are called to be love. We are called to be like Jesus. One and the same. For Jesus is love. When you choose love, when love wins in your heart, no matter the circumstances, no matter what your going through or been through. When love wins in your heart, your beauty grows. choose Love! Though you feel more broken and worthless then you've ever felt, you are more beautiful than you've ever been. That rose? Thats you. Beautiful and perfect right here, right now. This morning as I was driving, Jesus pressed upon my mind the story of Daniel and his three friends. Jesus allowed the king to cast them into the fire, but not alone, He stood in the fire with them. And though they should have been consumed, God didn't allow them to be.
God hasn't change. He is still that same God today that lead Daniel back then. Jesus allows us to walk through the fire, but never alone. We might feel as though there's no way we won't be consumed but He has promised that He won't allow it. That fire isn't meant to consume us, but to open our eyes to our sinfulness, to our own filthiness and need for His cleaning and refining. To feel our sense of need for His redeeming love. Without the fire, we could never be brought forth as gold as the Bible says. 1 Peter 1:7- "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found auto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ." Job 23:10 - "But He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Jesus uses the fire to refine us. To purge away all the dross from our hearts, to purify us, shape us, mold us, remake, and create us into perfect similitudes of His character, love and life. Through the fire Jesus wants to consume us with His transforming mercy, grace, calming presence and matchless, unconditional, endless love. He has promised in 1 Peter 5:10 - "But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you." This fire is just for a time. For soon Jesus will come, and as you have withstood faithfully through your furnace He will welcome you into your Reward far above and beyond anything you could ever dream. Let your prayer be, as it is mine, for God to purge away all the dross. Open your heart to be consumed with the fire of His transforming love and grace. Though it be painful, the reward is far greater. James 1:12 - "Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love Him." Ever want something really bad? The awake all night on your mind kind of deep want. Like more than anything in the world but it’s out of your control?
You wish you could look into the future? You don’t understand why you have this longing so deep in your heart when you don’t see how it could ever be possible? Yea me too. I hate waiting for anything. I’m a have to know right now kind of person. I don’t like a blind future, I want to know how it’s going to go. So trusting Gods guiding, timing and plans are very hard for me. I want to know right now whether the things my heart longs for will come to be. Cause if not I just want to be able to make my mind let it go. Or at least try to. Some things are not so easy to be okay with letting go. Lately I’ve had some pretty deep longings for some things really important to me. It’s been really heavy on my heart and changed me in so many ways. Which I am grateful for because I want to grow so much as a person but at the same time I get frustrated that I can’t control and make these things happen or know how life’s going to pan out. I want answers now. Lol I know my posts lately have been a lot about trusting God and His timing because, well, a lot of life is about that. Especially as a young person. And right now God has me in a season of a lot of learning what it really means to carry my cross, to let self die, and to rest in Him, trusting His heart and hands in my life. Lately a deep prayer of mine has been that God would take away any longing in my heart that is not meant for me. If it’s not His will than to take it out of my heart. Thing is He never has. Instead, He grows that longing and desire. But what He does do, is softens that ache and removes the worry. He grows the desire and longing, and at the same time grows my faith, trust and dependence on Him. ‘Cause you see, it’s not always about learning to be patient and wait, but about what He can give in the meantime. Yea, God wants us to learn to wait and believe He’s working. But sometimes it’s in the meantime that we learn the most about ourselves and the real reason for existing. Sometimes it’s the meantime that shows us a deeper depth of His grace and mercy and steadfast love. Sometimes the meantime is to prepare us because without this preparing we’d never be able to have those things in the best way which we long for. Maybe this meantime is the biggest blessing He could give us. Maybe He doesn’t bring those heart longings to come yet because He wants to do so much more for us than He’d ever be able to do if He gave it to us in our own time. Maybe this meantime is the answer to your prayer in disguise. Meantimes don’t mean He isn’t working or that He won’t give you those things which your heart longs for. If you surrender your heart to Him, if your talking to Him He will speak to you. Sometimes His voice is quiet, but He is never silent. Sometimes His “voice” is simply the peace and rest He gives our hearts. Sometimes His answer isn’t what we want to hear, (for instance, “I can’t tell you why you have to wait but just wait!”) but that doesn’t mean He hasn’t answered. When He says, wait. Do that, Wait! When He says, “keep that longing, I know it hurts to keep it, I know it’s seems impossible right now but believe me I’m not done yet! Someday you’ll going to see why this is the way I planned things.” Keep His promise, “for all things work together for good”, close to your heart. He has promised that He has great plans for you, that He wants to give us the desires of our hearts. But He also asks us to trust His timing and to serve, worship and grow in our love for Him in the meantime. Meantimes can be life changing, soul changing... if we let Him take full control of our hearts. 3AM, I sit starring at the sky, searching for His face. Just a glimpse. Praying for a miracle. A sign He hears me. That He’s still on my side. That He’s got my back and holding me like He promised. “God, are you there? Do you see? I’m desperate. I’m desolate. Have mercy on me, let this pass from me.” Begging Him to speak, to break the darkness and set my sorrow aside.
I opened my bible app and scanned the verse of the day over the last couple of days and the third chapter of Lamentations jumped out at me so I began to read and continued through the whole chapter. I want to share this chapter. It’s not the whole entire thing but most of it. It’s a little long but please, I want you to read this. Let God speak to you where you’re at right now through this... Lamentations 3:1-58.... “I am the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. Surely against me is He turned; He turneth his hand against me all the day. My flesh and my skin hath he made old; he hath broken my bones. He hath builded against me, and compassed me with gall and travail. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old. He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out: he hath made my chain heavy. Also when I cry and shout, he shutteth out my prayer. He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone, he hath made my paths crooked. He was unto me as a bear lying in wait, and as a lion in secret places. He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces: he hath made me desolate. He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow. He hath caused the arrows of his quiver to enter into my reins. He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood. He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes. And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity. And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord : Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord. For the Lord will not cast off for ever: But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.” ....but than it continues.... “To crush under his feet all the prisoners of the earth, To turn aside the right of a man before the face of the most High, To subvert a man in his cause, the Lord approveth not. Who is he that saith, and it cometh to pass, when the Lord commandeth it not? Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good? Wherefore doth a living man complain, a man for the punishment of his sins? Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the Lord. Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens. We have transgressed and have rebelled: thou hast not pardoned. Thou hast covered with anger, and persecuted us: thou hast slain, thou hast not pitied. Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through. Thou hast made us as the offscouring and refuse in the midst of the people. All our enemies have opened their mouths against us. Fear and a snare is come upon us, desolation and destruction. Mine eye runneth down with rivers of water for the destruction of the daughter of my people. Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission, Till the Lord look down, and behold from heaven. Mine eye affecteth mine heart because of all the daughters of my city. Mine enemies chased me sore, like a bird, without cause. They have cut off my life in the dungeon, and cast a stone upon me. Waters flowed over mine head; then I said, I am cut off. I called upon thy name, O Lord , out of the low dungeon. Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry. Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not. O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life.” That chapter pretty much summed up what I could have expressed to God about the place I was at. But than He answered back the verses that I highlighted. That chapter was His answer. God was saying, “Hey I do see! This is how you feel isn’t it? Well you feel consumed but My mercies won’t allow you to be. Just wait, you’ll see just how great My faithfulness is. This won’t go on forever. I will redeem this pain and reward your faithfulness for there is purpose in this, its not pointless. I hear your cries, don’t be afraid cause your life is in my hands. Child, I’ve got you.” He could have just said, “I hear you.” And that would have been good enough. But He isn’t a God of good enough, He wants to go beyond for us. And that’s often why it feels like He is holding out, like He isn’t hearing our shouting heart cries. He wants to give us His best. And often times that includes: “wait. trust me. have faith. hold on just another day and another and another. My beloved, you’ll see what I’m doing, I promise it will be worth it.” He might not answer or fix what’s heavy on our hearts, what’s breaking our souls. But He will answer our heart cries for His promises, for His heart, help and strength. He will wrap His arms around us and engulf us in His love. We might feeling like we’re sinking, that our breath is about to run out. But you can be sure as He has promised that His mercy won’t allow it. You can hold tight to that promise. As I was writing this post a song came on and some of the words went as follows: “this life feels like the longest part. Even though eternity is ours.... We’re not where we’re going and we’re not lost where we are...taking the long way Home. there’s beauty in the backroads even when this journeys hard.” It’s a reminder that this life is only a short second in site of eternity. If this time on the earth is but a night compared to all of eternity, we can make it through this night. For “tomorrow” will bring a crown of glory. It will bring a timeless life free of worry, suffering and pain, filled with blissful pure joy, and peace living at the very side of our Savior. Continually enthralled in His gentle smile and even gentler heart. Live to hear you’re Savior say, “well done! Welcome Home My beloved.” Those are the words you’re going to hear on the other side of this hard night. Dear heart, It’s worth it. "You're a good, good Father. It's who You are."
I'm naturally a live in the moment kind of person. From the time I was a baby I was a happy smiley little girl. And even though I've never voiced these thoughts to literally anyone, these kinds of thoughts, "but tomorrow that could happen," "but tomorrow things could change/be totally different", usually kept me holding on and giving life another day to prove to me that health can be restored, things can get easier and so on. Recently I got to the worst place I've ever been in my whole life. Over the years I've faced chronic depression and suicidal thoughts but I usually never understood why I felt so sad and done with life. Between the thoughts I mentioned above, the thought of a failed suicide attempt and the awareness that suicide is a sin as it is self murder, kept me from ever going through with a suicide attempt. But this place I found myself was far beyond anything I ever imagined was possible to experience. The depression was twice as deep and dark as I have ever faced. Had I not had fought through almost six years of depression I'm pretty sure I wouldn't had made it through. The difference this time was I knew why. This time, those positive thoughts couldn't be there. Failed attempt? It was at least worth the try. A sin? Didn't really care. Good, good Father? You mean cruel, cruel Father. Every time I breathed, every time I was forced to smile at someone, every task I did was a reminder that I had to exist. And quite frankly I hated it. Cause depression, when it's deep, like really, really deep you don't just dislike living, you hate it. Every thing inside your mind feels dark and broken. Your heart and soul feel beyond shattered and crumbled. The darkness feels darker than the blackest hole. You don't just feel like you're drowning, you feel like you've already drowned and you're somehow still drowning. To think about tomorrow feels worse than to think about death itself. You don't want tomorrow to come, you just want it all to stop right now. You lay on the floor hugging your pillow tightly, tears stream down your face and your mouth is held open as though you're screaming but no sound comes out because you're drowning remember? The pain is so deep you can feel it breaking your heart so much so you can feel it aching in your chest. And after a while, your mouth relaxes, the tears stop and you just stay perfectly still, numbed by the pain and emotionless from the darkness. Not proud to say it but a prayer I've prayed more than twice goes a little like the following... "You say You're a good Father but mostly what I've seen is everything opposite of good. You expect me to believe You're good when this is what I get? I trusted You, and You bring this? This feels more like cruelty. I don't know how to believe You're a good Father when this how You direct things. Good, good Father? That's hard to believe, I can't believe it... Good? You mean cruel. Gives us the desires of our hearts? You mean takes away." I'm sure some of you can relate to my heart cry in that prayer...and the questioning of His goodness. Two of my favorite songs right now are, "Better Because of it", and "Fighter" by Danny Gokey. In general, he is one of my very favorite artists but these two songs really click with my heart. I know its really long to share all this but these words are so powerful I want you to hear them. "Devastated, an understatement It's not part of the plan You're asking why He didn't stop it If the whole world's in His hands Suffocating in the waiting And your faith is wearing down But there's hope even though You can't understand the pain of your road He's in the future, He knows something you don't One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this All done with it Better because of it Someone's gonna need your story to get them through the night Someone's gonna see His glory, by the way, He won your fight There's a breaking in the waiting And the storm keeps bearing down Everything that you think will break you Are the things that He'll use to make you So hold on longer, so hold on Everything that you think will kill you Are the things that He'll use to build you." "So many broken nights, felt like it was the end All of the losing fights, knocking me down again But it was in the falling I found my faith It was in my weakness I found Your strength So I'm not afraid Put my heart through the fire, I won't be burned It's only making me stronger, even if it hurts Voices inside my head, faces of all my fears Telling me hope is dead, but still, I'm standing here As long as this blood flows through my veins You said I won't break under this pain So I'm not afraid Put my heart through the fire, I won't be burned It's only making me stronger, even if it hurts So I'll do whatever it takes I know that I will be changed When I walk through the fire I'm coming out a fighter, a fighter." Our purpose on this earth is to be changed, and transformed. To develop characters and minds in the likeness of His. It is a time in which He rids us of ourselves and transforms our hearts to be fit for heaven. We pray, God transform me, change me, "I am the clay, You are the potter..." When He starts digging out, throwing away, rearranging, bending and breaking us to rebuild and mold us, it's painful. It's not pleasant or comfortable. And sometimes its a very long and seemingly slow process. When we ask God to guide our lives and for His plans, and things start happening in a way we didn't expect we start asking God why, when He's saying back, "but this is what you asked for". God does fulfill the desires of our hearts, but often times the journey to the destination, the thing which our heart desires, isn't exactly how we imagined it. Sometimes we have to wait for those desires. Sometimes He gives us the desires of our hearts and then put its on hold, seeming as though He's taken it away but says, "before I can fully let you have this, I have some other things I want to do that are going to make that desire ten times sweeter then it would have been had I not done these things, when I fully give it to you". Sometimes we feel left in the dark in the middle of a dessert. Sometimes for a long time. Over and over He asks us to trust Him so we do, and we wait. But we get tired of waiting and that's where satan gets in. He starts feeding our minds with distrust and unbelief and we lose our faith because the wait is too long He must not be working. But He is working and He is whispering, "Just trust Me on this one. trust Me, I've got this." It's not always easy to have faith, believe me I struggle to always believe. But the promises are there, and sometimes that's all we can hold onto and claim. If we don't, we are claiming satan's thoughts as our own and we are letting him win. He didn't die for you or me because He is a cruel God. He didn't die to bring you unhappiness. He didn't die just to make you miserable and to hurt your heart. He died because you were His beloved one. He died so that you could be happy, to set you free, to heal your heart from hurt. To protect and keep you safe. To hold you in the dark and whisper, "its okay" to your heart. He died so you would always have a safe place, somewhere to call Home. He died to tell you how highly He thinks of you, how important you are to Him. To show you how much more He loves you and would rather have you than all of heaven. He gave up everything just to give you the desires of your heart and to see you smile. Good, good Father? YES! As one of the song says, "He's in the future, He knows something you don't. One day, you'll see, you'll be on the other side of this." One day you'll be on the other side of this and you'll see why He held out on whatever you're going through or praying for. You'll see why He had to allow this pain. You'll see why the waiting was so important. And you'll thank Him for it. "And they that know Thy name will put their trust in Thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek Thee." Psalms 9:10 Lately Gods been pressing on my heart the topic of modesty. I never use to think that much about it. But as Gods been calling my heart deeper into seeking what it truly means and looks like to be a woman of God, He has been showing me how much it is closely connected to the deeper heart of a godly woman. It is not just a call to cover up, but to seek heavenly holiness. Heaven doesn’t start when we get there, it starts here on earth. If I am not willing to dress, live, and develop into the woman welcomed and praised in a heavenly atmosphere, I have made earth and its ways of greater value. I think even as conservative christians we’ve lost the importance, the reasons and the desire for it. Imagine the woman praised in heaven. The way she dresses, the way she carries herself, interacts with others, loves and serves. Her selflessness, her compassion, patience, long-suffering, her devotion to her Savior...Everything about her. That is the woman you are called to be! There is an elegance, honor, respect, pride, humility and godliness seen in a woman who dresses modestly. The same is felt in her heart who truly seeks modesty. It does not begin in the clothes we wear but on the inside. For true modesty begins in the heart and mind. A woman can dress modestly, but there is a huge difference when the woman knows why she dresses the way she does, and it is a chosen way of presenting herself because of what she desires in her heart. The bible calls us to rise above the world. To not become of it and follow the trends of fashion. We are called to holiness as princesses and daughters of the King. And we are called to live, act, and dress accordingly. We are called to be women of virtue, of purity, of a quiet and gentle spirit, a servant and healer of hearts in the love we bestow like drops of rain in a dry land everywhere we go. A godly woman should not gain attention from how she looks in her clothing. In fact, every such attentions should not be desired except by her husband someday. She should let God fill every desire in her heart. But that’s a whole other topic we aren’t going to get into. The bible speaks about the women we are called to be and also about modesty as they go hand in hand. For example, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, says that our bodies are the temple of God, that we are not our own, that we are bought with a price, (the price of the cross!), therefore we ought to glorify God with our body AND our spirit (our character). And it concludes with, “which are God’s”. The temple of God: Treat out bodies as such. Bought with a price: our bodies hold great value. Glorify God: Dress modestly and humbly. Which are God’s: Dress and carry ourselves in a manner that He desires us to, and rightly reflect Him. Modesty begins in the heart. 1 Peter 3:3, says that our adorning should not be on the outward appearance but that it be the hidden heart, “even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” I mean, that pretty sums up the women we are called to be when we really understand and realize what that verse means. True modesty stems from a desire to glorify God. To honor Him with our lives. To respect and cherish our bodies as Gods. It is no longer a desire for physical attention, but for Jesus to only be seen when others see us. It is a selflessness to let Christ truly live out within and through us. True modesty stems from desire to die: less me, God, more You! To honor all the men around us by not aiding in satan’s temptations. And to honor our future husbands in protecting not only our hearts, but bodies for him alone. And believe me, the godly man that you desire, will praise, respect and love you for your choice of godly modesty. True modesty begins with a laying down of our hearts at Christ’ feet and letting Him do the transforming. As sinful human beings we want to fit in with the world, we want to be cool and up to date with the fashions that are friends are following. We want to feel attractive to others, and for guys to like us and find us pretty. All those things are normal, and in ways okay if kept at the proper place. But when we surrender our lives to Christ, when we let Him fill every little part of our hearts He satisfies those longings. And He awakens in us the desire for a life reflecting the sculpturing He is doing in our hearts, transforming us into the women of heavenly atmosphere. I know this because this is what He has done in me. And I know He longs to do it for you too, because it is the life He calls us to as women after Gods heart. Proverbs 31:30, “a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” The following are thoughts that popped into my head listening to a speaker. Also, sorry if this post is a bit all over. It’s late and my brains dead but just had to get these words out. I pray that you are blessed.
The question, “who comes to mind that you would be willing to die for?”, was asked in a service I attended tonight. Immediately two people popped into mind. One being Jesus. We are so ready, like Peter to say how much we love Jesus, how much we would do for Him, how we would die for Him. But when the time came, who like Peter would prove his word not so true? We say we would die for Him, but when He asks us to die to self how often do we say “but Jesus!” When He asks us to forgive and forget when others have wronged us, “but Jesus they....” When He asks us to love others selflessly, “but Jesus I deserve....” When others wrong us and we are tempted to revenge, “but Jesus, they deserve...” when we want our way in a situation instead of esteeming the other person and their wishes above our own, “but Jesus...” and the list goes on. So when it comes down to it, would we really be willing to die for Him? If we aren’t willing to die in the “little” things everyday, how could we possibly think we would lay down our whole entire life and die for Him? We must learn to die daily if we ever dream to be like Jesus who gave up more than we could imagine to put our hearts, desires, needs and life above His. We deserved all He died for. But He laid down everything, He gave us His whole heart nomatter what we did to Him. Nomatter how much we scorned and hurt Him, He never withdrew His heart of love but loved all the more. He died daily till it lead to the cross for US! John 15:13, says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” We are called to be. like. Jesus. No excuses. “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul.” Matthew 16:24-26. ESV Lay down your life daily, even in the smallest, in seemingly important things. Let Love be the motive and the rule of your life. Love is the law of heaven. Jesus lived a life of selfless love, and service. The motive behind every word and act was prompted from Love. Love is the life we are called to live. We are called to BE love. “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” 1 John 4:7 “In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” 1 John 4:9-10 Jesus laid down His life, not because we loved Him but because He loved us. Lay down your life for people who don’t love you. Let His life be a role model for you. Don’t make excuses for your lovelessness. Believe me, when you let His love fill your heart, it’s magical! It will turn your world up side down! And when His love rules in your heart, it will prompt you to lay yourself down, and die daily. For true love is selfless. Die in the little ways. Love in big ways. |
23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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